Twelve reasons not to sleep with your partner or spouse tonight.
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I have written this hub as a means of giving a number good reasons for couples not to sleep together, tonight, or possibly most other nights. Yes it is of course nice to sleep with your partner, and many may say I am mad to even consider a loving couple should not share the same bed, but this is not about sex, this is about getting a good night's sleep.
Having been in various relationships throughout my 39 years on this earth (today being my 39th Birthday), I have always found I slept better when I was alone in my/our bed. My guess is my partners probably found the same thing, and that all in all we would both have slept better if we had our own bedrooms, or at least our own beds within one room.
Having spoken to other couples I have found that largely they feel much the same, no matter how much they love their partners. I propose the best time for a couple to share a bed is when they are having sex / making love, and the rest of the time they would be more relaxed and better rested if they had slept alone.
My arguments to back up my case are as follows:
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1) One half of the partnership inevitably tends to steal all the duvet, leaving the other poor soul to frantically try to drag it back over to their side of the bed whilst meanwhile freezing their socks off.
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2) At least one partner frequently snores so loudly (especially after a few drinks), as to keep the other partner tossing and turning all night with a pillow welded over their ears trying to block out both the noise and the vibrations.
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3) It often gets simply too hot for two people in one bed, therefore it is more comfortable to be alone, or if you are on your own and too hot, it is easier to spread out or change to the cooler side of the bed if you are not sharing. It is also pretty unpleasant cuddling up to someone who is sweating profusely, especially when it might not be the case if you were in separate beds.
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4) Not sharing a bed leaves more room for your furry pets to share your bed with their own unique brand of loving.
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5) There is no danger of "Roll Together" if one partner is a lot heavier than the other, (this is when the heavier partner causes such a dip in the mattress so that the lighter partner keeps on rolling into both the resulting crater, and their partner).
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6) If one of you is prone to needing to get up in the middle of the night for a visit to the toilet, a cigarette or a drink of water, sleeping apart removes the risk of disturbance from lights going on, duvets being thrown back etc.
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7) If your partner is prone to sexual advances towards you in the middle of the night when you would prefer to be asleep so you are suitably rested for work the next morning, sleeping apart will make it far more effort for them to try and sneak a hand (or other unwelcome appendage), into a place you would prefer they left alone until a more convenient time.
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8) If one of you has to get up for work at a completely different time to the other, sleeping in separate rooms ensures their alarm clock will not also wake the person who does not yet need to be awake or need to surface from under the depths of their cosy duvet and fascinating dreams of being chatted up by gorgeous film stars.
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9) Partners who meaning well, and wanting to be affectionate, treat you like a glove puppet, and keep on sliding their hands up inside your pyjama top to cuddle you. Very sweet, but also can be very uncomfortable when you are trying to sleep. A separate bed ensures this problem will not be one you have to deal with!
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10) Partners who can't help but fidget in bed, twitching, kicking, jolting etc. A real blessing is to have them in a different bed so you can relax without your bed becoming a vibrating nightmare.
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11) If your partner talks in their sleep this can be quite frustrating, especially if it is incoherent, and you are straining to understand what they are saying in case it is something you 'need to know'. Usually it is only nonsense, but by now you are wide awake and asking them questions, to which you are receiving unintelligible or crazy answers due to them still being asleep.
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12) Partners who sleepwalk. This would scare most people as well as disturbing them. Imagine waking up in the middle of the night to find a glassy eyed Husband standing over you who seems to think you are the bloke who stole his ex-girlfriend 20 years earlier. You do hear cases of people sleepwalking who have murdered their partners without knowing what they are doing, and my advice is not only sleep apart, but get a lock on your bedroom door if this is their problem.
Conclusion
I have known many very happily married couples who sleep in separate beds or bedrooms. They still have sex, they still love each other, but they both get a good night's sleep. It saves so many arguments such as whether to sleep with the window open or closed, the light on or off, and not to mention if one half of the couple wants to read or use their laptop computer well into the night, whilst the other wants to be asleep in the dark.
The obvious solution is to have separate beds or bedrooms, and simply share a bed, a kitchen table, a rug etc whenever you wish to make love together.
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LOL, thanks Goldentoad. If it is any consolation my Mum and Step Dad now sleep in separate rooms although they are both very much in love. They both admit that they both sleep better apart, so it doesn't mean you and your partner don't want to be together if you choose not to share a bed for sleeping purposes.
Hey, what's wrong with the kitchen table? I read an article once where the women who wrote it said she was rubbish in the bedroom, but great in the kitchen, the garden, the bathroom etc. It was very obvious what she was referring to :) :)
Thanks for commenting :)
You read it in an article, huh? If you say so. Nothing wrong with the kitchen table, as long at it holds, and by the way, Happy Birthday.
Thanks Goldentoad, yes my Birthday has finally arrived, and only another year to go until I hit the big 40, scary stuff.
No worries with our kitchen table, it is solid Oak and been in the family since before I was born. It was simply passed on to me, so I know it is very tough LOL :)
I love this hub! My hubby and I have not shared a bed in almost 2 years because his snoring is insane and my exhaustion was making me super cranky with the kids. I still love him to pieces, but I need my sleep. Its good to know Im not alone : )
Thanks Ardie, no you are far from alone believe me. Glad you liked the hub :)
Happy Birthday Misty. Regrettably probably guilty on all 12 counts but it is fun to try all the tricks!
Good Hub.
Thanks Sixty. LOL, you guilty!!! Never, surely :) :)
Happy Birthday.....
Thanks Joula_Vegh, that is really nice of you. Cheers :)
Happy birthday Misty. Great hub. Cheers :)
Thanks cgull8m, glad you enjoyed the hub, and thanks for the Birthday wishes, (39 has finally arrived!!) :)
Happy birthday, Cindy! My husband and I always sleep in separate places, except when we want to cuddle or have sex. He sleeps on the futon in the living room, and I sleep on the bed in the bedroom. Nice arrangement, especially with snoring, different work hours, the cats, etc. My parents think it's a bit odd, but they also think it's nice that we've figured out a good system. His parents know of other couples who have similar arrangements.
Hi KT, thanks for the Birthday greeting. Yes it often makes much more sense for couples to sleep apart and so long as the relationship is solid it should not cause a problem. :)
HAPPY BIRTHDAY DEAR MISTY GAL! Your practical and amusing hub is a lovely birthday gift from you to us. Thank you!
The best argument I know for married couples sleeping in separate beds: Ever notice how in all 1950s TV shows the couples had twin beds? And did you also notice how perfect the couples were? And their families, too? I rest my case:-)!!
Hey Cindy, is it your birthday?!
Happy Birthday to you!!!!!!
Wish you lots and lots of happy birthdays ahead :D
And yes, we sleep separately with my wife :)
Misty I must just say that "glove Puppet" conjures up a few interesting mental images. I am sure Spryte can cast her machiavellian mind over ths phrase, add Mr Bunny and a few other images to this one! I am glad you haven't kyboshed the Group Shower idea!
Thanks MM, had a great Birthday thanks apart from the coughing. Loved the point you made about the TV couples and the twin beds. Good point :)
Hi Misha, yes, it was my Birthday yesterday. Thanks for the Birthday wishes. So you sleep apart from your wife too. The more comments I am getting saying others do this too, the more I am convinced it is the best way and far more common than most people realise.
Sixty, I would love to hear Spryte's take on this, but she is still M.I.A. right now. I am sure she will have some interesting ideas once she gets here. Still on the for the Group Shower BTW :)
Thank you for this! As someone who loves to read late into the night under a pile of cats and dogs, I deeply appreciate the validation of this HUB! :)
Thanks Suzanne, well, give me a cat or dog any day over a snoring man, (and i am speaking from a place where I can hear my Husband snoring loudly in the bedroom I soon have to go to sleep in!!!)
Perhaps you will take up sleepwalking and it will be the end of your problem! ;)
You never know. I will soon find out as I am off to bed now (04.05am here), so will catch up tomorrow evening I hope :)
My parents and I were just talking about this yesterday. They have had separate rooms for about ten years, yet they are still very much in love after 58 years.
My Mom was just saying that they both rest better.
My Dad was saying that my mom breathes so lightly that he was always checking to see if she was Ok.
PR: wait... I: wait... L: wait... LD: wait... I: wait...wait... C: wait... SD: wait...
Thanks for your comment Meg. I guess this is true for many couples.
My husband is killing me with his snoring, but SH, SH, SHHH, don't tell him I said so. I do miss him when he is not by my side though. I might need a night off from time to time now that the snoring nose strips are not working!!
Thanks MRS Great Caruso, yes, a night away every now and again might be a good idea, or you could try wearing a good set of earplugs :)
I'm not sure having a pet in the bed will help you sleep better. I think it negates quite a few of the reasons for sleeping alone.
I have to say, I'm in the camp that it's better to sleep together in the same bed. If there is something that is making it uncomfortable like it's too hot, then use less covers. If he or she snores, find a treatment. I say tackle the problems before going to separate beds...jmo.
Thanks Paul, nice to have your input. Maybe you are one of the lucky ones whose partner doesn't have any bad bedtime habits such as stealing duvets etc. Personally I do sleep with my Husband, but still sleep better once he leaves for work and I have the duvet all to myself and my cats as hot water bottles, (and they don't snore). :)
I so agree with you! All the time I was married I craved my own separate bed so I could sleep in peace..
Thanks for commenting Vibhavari. There is something lovely about having your own bed, although on occasion it can get lonely. I am pretty certain the quality of sleep must be better if you sleep alone though.
hi Cindy,my husband n i are living in different cities coz of our respective jobs which are too good to leave as of now.we have been married for almost 2 years trying to overcome d geographical distance between us n be with each other on every possible occasion. we love each other too much to let anything come between us.i always want him with me and he chooses to cuddle me n hug while sleeping which is fine by me for sometime(till we are talking or watever).after that,i desire for my own space and sanctum which is essential for a gud nite sleep but he doesnt understand why i end up hanging to d other corner of d bed away from him. i am so glad that to know that there are others in a similar situation.i will definitely ask my husband to go thru your hub.
Hi Sonia, I hope that by reading this hub he may get a better understanding of why it is nice to sleep alone, and realises that it doesn't mean you love him any the less, you just enjoy a good nights sleep. Thanks for commenting :)
lol, this is true, sometimes one should go wrong by words then this is better to sleep alone with no argument nd change ur mood nxt day love again do sex nd whatever else..................
Hi Cindy,
I wonder if couples ever discuss this prior to marriage. I rather doubt it. Thankfully, my hubby and I never needed separate beds.
Personally, pretty much nothing wakes me up other than a call of nature. I can sleep through anything, such as lights on, tv on, partner snoring or getting out of bed or having pets in the bed. As a child, I used to like to sleep with my mom, and she hated it because she said I used to toss and turn all night. I imagine she waited till I fell asleep then put me in my own bed :)
Once, I had locked the house up and gone to sleep. My daughter forgot her key. She called the house, no answer, banged on the door, no answer, went around to my bedroom window and banged on that, plus calling my name while doing all these things, and nothing. I never heard a thing. I don't know how long she had to do that but I did eventually wake up.
There are also many nights when it stormed outside with very high winds, and again, I heard nothing. Currently, I keep my alarm clock on full blast next to my bed and have been known to sleep through that, even though it woke others at the opposite end of the house lol
Conclusion is, I think, if I were to have a new partner, he would be the one seeking refuge in either another bed or room.
Cute hub!
LOL, lucky you Trish, many peole will envy you this ability, although not so great if your smoke alarm is going off at the time. I was once known to sleep through the "Nuclear War Alert" sirens when they tested them here in Guernsey. I guess I would have been toast by the time I realised if it had been a genuine case of a nuclear bomb being dropped.
You're absolutely right! That's the one thing that scares me to death. I know I wouldn't hear either my smoke or carbon monoxide alarms should they ever go off while I'm sleeping.
I do experience some nights, very rare, however, where I don't sleep too soundly, and last night I woke to the 'test of the emergency broadcast system' blaring on my tv.
so that we can enjoy the night with others wife or girl friend
Although I am sure this works for many people, and many of your points are valid some are very strange to me....
not sharing a bed with your partner so you can share it with cats.....???
And the hugging with hand up pajamas? "Baby, thats lovely but please don't do that"
Ended...
And i think a partner using a laptop or reading with the light on in the room the other sleeps in is plain rude... use another room!!
I dunno...
LOL J_Eds, the cats on the bed comment was meant to be tongue in cheek rather than serious. The hugging with hand up pyjamas is annoying if you are the person who now has an uncomfortable scrumpled up pyjama top to lay on, plus it gets cold. As for the reading or using the laptop, well, to "use another room" is exactly what I am suggesting to avoid this being a problem. That way everyone is happy and gets a good nights sleep, yet can get together in the bedroom for more important activities, or cuddle time when NOT planning to be sleeping. :)
Another great hub I missed. My wife and I get along so well during the day because we fight all night in bed.
Great job-and all true!
Thanks Joe, love the comment about fighting all night in bed with your wife :)
Great hub, Cindy. Belated Happy Birthday, by the way!
I've known couples who sleep in separate rooms. I always thought that it meant they were having trouble, but you've shown me differently, thanks.
I enjoy cuddling with my husband at night. You are right, however, about the sleep thing. IF he falls asleep before me and I go into bed, it is almost impossible to get to sleep!! I don't know how people do it. I guess because it is how things are - the thought of not sleeping in the same bed brings up emotional and sociological connotations that I don't think anyone is prepared to deal with. While the whole time we are all thinking about the physical aspect - being YES! I would love to sleep alone... Interesting. :)
I'm going to run home and saw the marital bed in half, put up a wall with barbed wire on top, and get a decent night's sleep. Great Hub
Cindy
So sorry, I meant to wish you Happy Birthday the other day. Hope you had a great one!
You may want to check this out and you may need a glass of water:
http://hubpages.com/hub/Twelve-reasons-not-to-slee
I told him he forgot to copy your pictures!
I'm not sure if the hub's still up or my comment's been deleted.
I enjoy hearing all these common sense reasons not to sleep together...if the relationship is solid, and there is snoring and back problems (as there is with my husband) - then why not sleep apart? He sleeps on the reclining couch downstairs with his heated blanket and I sleep upstairs in the bed. I go to bed when I want, I kiss him goodnight, and he and I sometimes snuggle before or after bedtime. It works out well for both of us, and leads to a happier marriage :)
OMG Cris, you were not kidding about me needing a glass of water. I have posted on this copied hub now and told him to unpublish it, plus flagging it for duplicate content. Still trying to work out how he managed to publish it under the same title as mine without being told this title was already taken. Currently cannot see any difference in the titles, even minor unless I am missing something. Thanks for the tip off.
I flagged him hours ago, Cindy. Things tend to get done slowly on the weekend, though. I'm sure it will be resolved soon.
Thanks B.T. Much appreciate my friends looking out for me as I have not been able to get online since yesterday due to our house getting flooded by a pipe under the bath last night. Don't laugh, but for the second time in 2 years I ended up with over 6 fireman in our home after midnight, whilst I wandered round in my dressing gown and pyjamas. They are going to think I am doing it deliberately!!!
Oh, by the way, I slept on the couch for years, due to a snoring problem. Then I had the snore surgically removed. Things have never been better!
I suppose I could divorce the "snoring problem", but it seems a bit harsh !
hi misty, my wife and i have seperate beds close togeater, but not making contact, she cannot stand movement. i had sleep aphena with snoring so loud it would wake the dead, i had a sleep study done, had a operation with the trimming of my palat, now i do not snore. however now my wife has aphena, but she chose the C-pap air machine, she looks like a jet fighter piolit, it is noisy, but our floor fan drowns out the sound. we have been married for 15 years and still love each other.
Hi Roger, thanks for commenting. Our friend has sleep apnea and has to sleep with a machine on to ensure he doesn't stop breathing, not nice. Luckily he is single.
I reckon most of my Hubby's problem with snoring is down to his weight, drinking, and when he was smoking. Even as I am writing this he is lying in bed next to me snoring like a train.
Damn! Can you believe the nerve of that guy! (Or is it just idiocy?)
Anyway, about the Hub:
My wife and I didn't get married until we were in our 40's, and we were quite used to sleeping alone. We had both lived on our own for over 20 years, and we decided to have seperate bed rooms. Sometimes we sleep together and sometimes we don't. It wasn't so long ago that, among the wealthy anyway, it was standard for the husband and wife to have seperate bedroom suites. There is something to say about having lots of space to sleep in and no outside disturbances. Her room doubles as her make-up and dressing room, and her day room (and how many women don't want those?)
It certainly doesn't mean we don't love each other. In fact, I think it makes us closer. We each like to get a little privacy.
Glad you have said that there can be positive reasons for not sleeping together! And have stated so many examples! Thanks!
Great hub Cindy! Sorry to hear that plagiarist person stole your beautiful hub. I guess you can be flattered they liked your writing, but that is not a pleasant experience it all. This has happened to me in the past and I was very upset about it.
It's an interesting hub...sorry to say that I found the duplicate one before coming to know this one
(the url of the copied hub is much similar too)
Thanks Christoph, I am glad to hear sleeping apart works for you too.
As for the pratt who stole my hub, well, he has not only stolen mine, but at least 3 of his other hubs too. I checked this out and have contacted the other publishers to warn them too, plus flagging the hubs to hubpages. Hopefully he will get dealt with swiftly and harshly.
Thanks for all of your comments of support here friends :)
This is a wonderful affirming Hub for all couples who know they can't be in the same bed together night after night The social stigmatism against separate bedrooms is very funny, if you think about it in terms of the Hollywood silver screen and into the 50s, where married couples ALWAYS had one twin bed each. LOL!
I have a friend who, with the absolute agreement of her husband of 30 years, finally instituted separate bedrooms, just like in Victorian times, or maybe like in current times among today's royalty and the rich, for all the good reasons (except keeping infidelity a secret...their house is not big enough to conceal that transgression). They can't get a good night's sleep when they are separated by only 18 inches or so in the same bed. In their case, they can't get a good night's sleep in the same room.
Here's an awesome benefit for them: they make dates with each other for a rendezvous. He leaves a note saying he'd like to visit. She accepts or declines (by returning a message in a hand-written fragranced note). When she accepts, he brings flowers and wine, they have their romance, and he leaves to go to his own room.
These are the two most rested people I've ever known.
Did I say this was a great Hub?
Thanks Sally, wow, you make it all sound really romantic, so I hope more people see why this could actually spice up their relationships if they tried it :)
Gee, misty, you're exactly the same age as some Indian tadpole who writes just like you. I hope a thousand plagues beset him in his underwear.
Cheers, TOF
Hi Misty great original Hub. and many good reasons for sleeping apart. Absence does make the heart grow fonder or should that be longer!
What was that I read about you and a Pipe under the bath, funny place to have a pipe. Oh well no wonder the place got flooded.
btw the difference in urls was : Yours....partner-or-spouse. his....partner-UR-spouse.
Thats all it takes. He knew what he was doing. He got another flag.
Thanks Ag and TOF, yes, I realised how he did it later after I checked it out more closely. What is more, he has copied virtually every hub he has published as far as I can tell, as I have been checking them out on the Net. At least three including my own are from fellow hubbers, and the rest seem to be on other sites on the Internet.
One good side effect Cindy is that you're getting traffic on this site because of the little toe-rag.
Now this is the original...
LOL TOF, I think his version is getting more than mine because of all the people posting on his copy hub to give him a hard time over what he has done. You should read my forum post on him too. He has also copied hubs from AEvans, Whitney05 and Paul Edmondson, and those are just the copies of fellow hubbers articles, the rest appear to come from other internet sites.
Hi Needful Things, yes, this is definitely the original :)
That's why I only visited his hub once, to check it out.
Cheers.
Well the higher his copy hub creeps up the rankings tonight, the more people will leave him angry comments about it being copied as until he deletes all the comments it is made very clear that all of his hubs are copied.
I just left him a lovely comment. Judging by the number of comments he's had, I would like to think he gets the picture. Off to bed now.
Thanks BT, sleep tight :)
Hey, Hi and Howdy - have to say I like your version better. Not a big fan of cats and #7 struck home...not my wife - my cellie. Hard to switch rooms back then.
As well, I think you are right about (he who will not be mentioned) hub post idea to get flamed by a larger group of people - maybe that was the intention -
Also - "Tum Chor Ho" in Hindi means "You are a thief" maybe we should all post that in his comments?
Hi surviveprison, Thanks for commenting. You have my sympathy regarding your cellie, hope you are out now unscathed.
Hopefully 'he who shall not be named' will be put to rights by Hubpages tomorrow as I have complained to the copyright section, plus he has been flagged numerous times now.
Hi Misty - sympathy should be directed towards my cellie...
just kidding -that sort of stuff doesn't happen unles you want it. Anyhow, I hope (he who will not be named) is removed. On the legal front this could be deemed as straight copyright but that would entail getting HP involved, also "theft of services" for those of use who don't know who to click from - but - your up against a flea from across the pond - makes it kind of hard for venue. Good luck either way!
LOL surviveprison, good answer.
Not too worried about sueing this guy, just want the article unpublished and him turfed out of hubpages ideally.
Well Cindy, he's been removed. As he was only around a few days perhaps the charitable view is he's a drip who didn't understand hubpages and screwed up through stupidity. Whatever, its fixed. I didn't record his other hubs so can't comment on their continued existence.
Cheers, TOF
My Fiance and I sleep like rocks. Seriously. As soon as we lie down, say goodnight and steal a kiss we become corpse-like. No stealing of blankets, no cuddling, no temperature conflicts, no getting up... no movement what so ever. We also use different alarm sounds (on our cell phones) so we've become conditioned to not wake up to the other's ringer.
It was a long process to get there but now making the bed is so easy at our house. ha ha.
Hi Misty,
You bring up some good points; but overall, those inconveniences can be overcome with patience and alot of ingenuity, it just sounds so unromantic not to have my spouse by my side in our marital bed.
I doubt couples can really have that ultimate bonding and closeness if they're only in bed to make love and then one of them is sent packing to sleep on the futon in another room.
What a great idea!
Thanks for all the comments guys. It is really interesting to see how many other people actually feel the same way about sleeping apart. The lucky ones such as Houellebecq can happily sleep together, the unlucky ones attempt to continue sleeping together in spite of often insurmountable problems.
Bruce, I get where you are coming from, but do feel you are wrong about the loss of ultimate bonding and closeness if a couple sleep apart. The idea is no-one gets 'sent packing' to the other room, and that often both halves of the couple enjoy sleeping apart to ensure a good night's sleep. That does not stop them having cuddles on the bed at other times. My Mum and Step Dad are incredibly close and romantic, but both agree they sleep better in separate rooms.
When my Husband and I have stayed at their house my Mum has said she cannot understand how I manage to sleep with my hubby, as his snoring is so loud it keeps her awake in the next room. My Sister brings earplugs to our house when she stays over as his snoring also keeps her awake in the spare room on another floor! The Doctor says he simply has to lose weight, drink less etc, but this has been going on for years now, so I reckon I would be happier in a separate room, and he might be too if he hadn't got to be nudged and kicked by me all night in my efforts to stop him snoring. Doesn't mean I love him any the less though.
Hi TOF,
Yes he has gone, and so have all of his hubs as they were all copied. I am not quite as charitable as you towards him though, as I can't believe he was just stupid because he was a newbie drip. After all, I emailed him and posted on the copied hub, yet he deleted the comments on the hub from both myself and other angry hubbers, whilst still leaving the copied hub published. He ignored my email to him, and ignored my demands for him to unpublish the hub he had copied from me, so my feelings are he deserved all he got, and now he has paid the price for it. I told him he had picked on the wrong girl to steal a hub from, and that deleting my posts and ignoring my email was a huge mistake. Well now he knows what I said was true, and I hope he has learned a lesson in consideration towards others in the future.
Thanks again for your total support given in this matter :)
Glad we got the guy copying hubs removed. It was nice to see everyone pitch in last night to help flag him and warn others.
Now, for my comment on the topic at hand.
With my first husband, I discovered about day 2 of our marriage that if I ever wanted to have any covers I would have to have my own. We slept well together, but always had separate covers. You just fold up the extras when making the bed. We were married 23 years this way.
Now, with my second husband, I discovered on day 1 that we would have to do something. He was snoring horribly and I could tell he was in distress. We had the sleep study done and yes, he too uses the C-pap machine. Which when it is fitted properly it should be whisper quiet. And his usually is. Every now and then he moves it in his sleep and causes a leak in the seal around his mouth and nose area. The distress I was noticing was him struggling for a breath . He was recorded as stopping breathing 70 times a hour. That's more than once a minute.
Both of our sets of parents sleep in separate beds in separate rooms.
That's amazing our friend has similar results, only his rate was 74 times per hour and he is stuck on one of those sleep apnea machines too. Not sure if Richard needs that yet, but the snoring is horribly loud, and much like a pig in heat and possibly with a bad cold at the same time.
I am glad the plagiariser has gone too, and it was lovely to see everyone rally round to make sure he knew this was far from acceptable behaviour, plus the Hubpages team dealt with the matter pretty swiftly and decisively. I hope he will know better than to try this elsewhere now.
Thanks for your support on this too.
Well finally it comes to you when I turn to this hub! Most times my hubby sleeps on the recliner in the living room. He sweats alot and with his work schedule he just would rather sleep there and let me get some sleep myself. He doesn't want to wake me up at 4 in the moring and when he is on-call for the Crisis team he never knows when he will be beeped and the beeper is very loud. When we are sick--we like sharing our colds and flu (sic) he will sleep on the recliner too. He just sleeps better there then in the bed.
LOL, thankfully the copy hub and hubber no longer exist, phew!!! Thanks for your help on that issue too by the way.
Yes, my Hubby sweats a lot in bed too, and nothing is worse than going to cuddle up to someone and finding them all clammy and damp, yuk. I would much rather cuddle up to him at an "awake" time after he has had his daily bath and is all fresh and clean.
Every one want to enjoy
Hi Cindy,
good choice of topic and great read, as usual.
wow a ton of comments on this one. I didnt get to read them all. I guess i am just a pushover when it comes to sleeping. I enjoy having mine right next to me (..well at least in the same bed) I completely understand and know several couples that are less drained, have a great sex life and sleep in separate beds.
My advice for those who want a great nights sleep, their own bed space and their other in bed with them .... California King Bed! : )
hey.. a very nice hub...informative and entertaining :) ....
I am so pleased and, frankly, surprised to see almost 100% support for this idea. I really expected to see people reacting negatively. You have helped me more than you will know. My significant other has been driven to sleep in another room, after shutting the bedroom door (I am that loud), for several years. I have experienced so much hurt over this, in spite of his insistence that it has nothing to do with how much he loves me. Now I realize that I was too stuck on memories of the early days in our relationship when we slept entangled on purpose. There is nothing wrong, in a mature relationship, with sleeping apart for the benefits of better sleep. Like someone else noted, this is an opportunity for a whole new type of fun in your relationship when you can invite your own spouse or partner to your room. I feel so much better and actually, loved.
Thanks Benson, great to see you here as always.
Hi Natia, glad you enjoyed the hub and thanks for commenting.
Hi Cmorecole, really pleased this has helped you. Trust me, my Mum and Step Dad love each other to pieces, but still prefer to sleep apart. As you have read here, many people feel exactly the same way. Turn it into an adventure and it could really spice up your love life, plus you will both sleep better in separate beds.
I agree. I'm single right now but whenever I'm in a relationship I get the worst sleep when with a partner.
dont sleep wiht anyone...they could give you herpes
Thanks for commenting christianwaton, I am sure many people have the same problem.
YOU ROCK!! The traditional couple is tearing the fiber of a good marriage apart. Could be why the divorce rate is so high? Could be why 50yrs ago married couples did sleep in seperate beds? Togetherness doesnt mean connected at the hip. People need their space, and when it comes to sleep, sometimes the more space the better.
When couples complain about each other what is the first thing they complain about? The other persons sleeping habbits. Plus when you do get to invade the other persons "personal" space, it will feel like you are only visiting..ha ha..J/k
Thanks six9k9, great comment and very good points made. So glad you appreciated and understood the hub topic. :)
Nice hub, Misty. I can't bring myself to agree entirely, I actually don't sleep well when I'm without my wife. Of course, she has some of the same complaints you have (I snore, toss and turn, and we fight over the comforter all night), but she said the same about trying to sleep without me. Instead, she likes to go to bed about an hour before me. This way, she gets to lay down and fall asleep without me there to "bother" her. She also likes that I'm still awake to watch over things as she falls asleep... It's a mental thing, she says, she feels more protected that way. But, on those rare occasions when I actually fall asleep on the couch, she wakes up to come get me and bring me to bed.
Fair enough Sean, and thanks for commenting. I too have been known to wake up and retrieve my Husband from the couch where he has fallen asleep, although I often regret it once he starts snoring again in bed LOL :)
I'm a firm believer in sleeping together a few times *before* commiting or marrying. Not for sex, just *sleeping*. Sex you can have anywhere (yes, even on the kitchen table altho I prefer the dining room table - much sturdier). But places to sleep are usually limited, so finding out what sort of bed partner your intended is can tell a lot about the type of person he/she *really* is. If you can't stand clingers, then you and a snuggler are already on the way to parting. A cover hog is probably selfish and stingy when awake too. A heavy snorer, no matter how charming and lovable while awake, will cause you to have homicidal thoughts after a week (or less). Same for an undiagnosed sleep apneac...having your own sleep disturbed 20 or 30 times a night will make you wonder if you can be arrested for *not* nudging them to breath, and they die as a result...
btw, you left out the "pinner" (usually the guy) who sleeps on his stomach with one 200-pound arm thrown over his beloved's chest. At least it feels like 200 lbs when Beloved tries to move or wiggle out from under it! This could indicate a control freak. Run!
LOL, superb comment JamaGenee, very true and very funny. Luckily my Hubby is not a 'pinner', but guilty of most of the rest, although I haven't nudged him to death yet.
All great reasons . Liked it very much :-)
Interesting to say the least and all good points to mention, however I don't quite agree. If both parties agree this would be great, but for most couples this probably isn't feesable. My boyfriend and I have been together for years and I must admit that this would never be an option for me. Sure we have the weird quirks, but I find that sleeping together is our best bonding time. We have our best conversations before bedtime and cuddling right before falling asleep is an added bonus. We do agree that neither of us can be touching while sleeping, but it seems easy enough to cuddle, then roll to your prospective side of the bed...Leaving out the need for the extra bed and/or room, not to mention the extra financial burden. You may think we're peaceful sleepers, but as a matter of fact, my boyfriend has night terrors...Not just nightmares, but full blown episodes where he screams and runs around frantically all while completely asleep - I've actually had to chase him a few times around the apartment to get him to wake up. So actually, it's safer we do sleep together so I can stop him before he runs out of the house. Sure, we have some unordinary circumstances, but sleeping together represents more to me than just doing it because it's the norm. I probably get disturbed more times in a night than the average person, but I think the pros outweight the cons by far. In this instance, it'd be wrong and selfish of me to suggest otherwise.
Thanks Writomania , glad you enjoyed it :)
Thanks Chrissy, you make good points and obviously you cope well with your situation. I appreciate your feedback and alternative perspective :)
Personaly I am indecisive on the subject. there are many pros and cons to each but I wanted to say that reading this hub was a delight :) a revealing as well as humorous and enjoyable read! thank you :)
Thanks Philosophy n' me, that is a lovely compliment and glad this hub also made you laugh. :)
My boyfriend and me sleep in separate rooms...He snores and I am stealing blankets plus pushing away in the sleep person who I am sleeping with. When I am alone, I sleep like an angel. almost do not move... I vote for separate rooms, and just very ocasionaly sleeping together...(Which happens only after I am away for few days)... Sex is much better when I do not need to hate him because of snoring...etc.
Thumbs up!
Nice Hub! Somehow I can't imagine sleeping without being cuddled.
Nice Hub! Somehow I can't imagine sleeping without being cuddled.
Thanks Tatjana, I reckon it is good to sleep apart as you do appreciate each other more on the occasions you do get together for a night of passion if, like you say, you aren't angry with him over snoring.
Thanks Anamika, it is nice to be cuddled, but perhaps a combination of the other frustrations in addition to the cuddle would change your mind :)
I WANT one of those lit-up toilets!
Bet you can get them on ebay CW :)
I would check Amazon.com first. I hate having to bid on stuff.
It might have a 'Buy it Now' price CW, in which case no bidding necessary :)
Thanks again for sharing this. I have to admit that I never imagined not sleeping in the same bed with my husband, but it seems like we sleep apart anyway, because we just like to. 5 minutes of cuddling and then we go our separate ways. Weird! I don't know if we ever would get separate beds, but I guess it is nice to know others share these feelings.
Thanks Sexy Health. Actually my Husband and I have just agreed to start sleeping in separate rooms to improve quality of sleep for both of us. The plan is to start our new regime when I return from my holiday in March. No more snoring to listen to or fighting for custody of the duvet hooray!!!! :)
I'm glad I found this hub. I'm going to have my husband sleep in our guest room tonight for the first time to see if I can sleep through the night. My sleeplessness has gotten much worse in the 2 years we've been married. I USED to sleep very soundly. Now I wake up countless times during the night. I suspect it's his movements that wake me and so I never actually get into a deep sleep. We'll see how it goes tonight. I'm a little afraid to find out that it is him. I don't want to end up in separate beds because I think it will hurt his feelings and possibly strain our marriage. He's very sensitive and I know he loves sleeping next to me because it helps him feel close and connected with me. It does for me too. I just can't keep going like this though---I'm willing to try anything to get a good night's sleep!!!
Thanks for setting up a place for me to find so many people who have had the same or similar problems, and have found working solutions. It was very helpful.
So glad this has been helpful for you Holly. You could always say spend the night together two nights a week, and sleep in separate bedrooms the other 5 nights. A good compromise and you may both well sleep better. Certainly I always get into a far deeper sleep the moment my Husband gets up and goes to work, or when we choose to send nights in separate bedrooms. We are just waiting for a more comfortable mattress for our spare room, and then he is going to sleep in it fulltime apart from when we have guests who need the room, or when we want to get together "as a couple for a cuddle!!!"
great hub. I notice that sleeping alone does not count when you have cats. I have a black just like yours (otella) and she hogs the bed every night. she also demands I go to bed same time as her and will dance on the computer keys to get me off it.
Just a note to those who can't sleep with a snorer. This can be sleep apnea, a condition that polaces great strain on the heart and has even caused death. It is especially dangerous because those who have it can fall asleep while driving and die that way.(woe be anyone in the way) Those who snore should see a doctor who will send them to a sleep clinic(if the condition warrents it)where a definitive diagnosis may be made. I had to have surgery but it cleared up the problem(of course by then my snoring had driven everyone away)
You are so lucky to live in the channel islands. It is very beautiful there.
thanks for the hub. Most amusing.
Thanks Solar Captain, yes, I love to sleep with my cats, and actually sleep much better when they are snuggled up with me. You are right about the Sleep Apnea making people snore too, as we have a friend with this condition, and they found out he was the worst case Guernsey had ever known, missing 90 breaths an hour. He now has to sleep with a machine on all the time to ensure he doesn't die in his sleep.
The Channel Islands are lovely I agree, and a very beautiful and safe place to live. We are lucky :)
This was interesting...Sometimes my parents sleep in separate rooms (My dad always, always ends up waking my mom - she *hates* that.) It's completely opposite for me, though. I can't fall asleep without my partner there beside me. We like to cuddle and then fall asleep in each other's arms. Usually I'm holding her, but we take turns, and stay that way all night long - we're usually in a twin bed, but even when we have the space, we end up just on one side as close as can be. I'm incredibly sensitive to noise, so sometimes I have to wear earplugs, but it's more than worth it. One of my greatest joys is falling asleep next to her, being able to hold her, and seeing her first thing in the morning when I wake up. (She looks so beautiful when she sleeps!!)
I find it so difficult to fall asleep without her that it is currently 3:39 and I'm still awake. Having not seen or talked to her in two weeks, I'll probably be up all night. Again.
Lovely thoughtful comment "In Love". Thanks for your feedback.
Great hub. Here's to no more miserable nights because of misguided love.(yes, I do too love you--I just can't stand the drama, the noise, the discommfort, and the unwanted pawing while I'm trying to sleep)!
LOL Solarcaptain, you summed things up perfectly in one comment. Congratulations, total respect :)
Happy Birthday! I have to say, it's worth all the hassle for us to feel the warmth of our relationship (although I would be lying if I didn't say sometimes I have to go out onto the couch because the snoring and farting is getting overwhelming).
LOL Catwoman, I love your last sentence about the snoring and farting :) PS. Why the "Happy Birthday", it isn't my birthday???
I agree, that's better sleeping in is own bed, for me i tried a king size bed and we have enough room for together. in my preview experience you re right
Hi Ledimi, thanks 4 commenting here. My Hubby and I now have separate bedroom and only get together at weekends, or on certain "other" occasions. It is working so much better for both of us I have to confess, and neither of us love each other any the less.
A great hub. I always wondered...
Thank you, mistyhorizon.
Thanks msorensson, glad you enjoyed it :)
Although I like the article, I have to disagree. Sleeping with your partner is much more enjoyable and satisfying, especially during those times when both are awake and spontaneous sex happens. Personally, I value sleeping with my partner more than a restful nights sleep. But hey...that's just my opinion.
No worries James, each to their own. In my case I find my hubby sneaks into my room when he fancies spontaneous sex anyway, (well it is spontaneous in some respects). Since we started sleeping in separate rooms we are both more refreshed and sleep much better. At weekends we share a bed though, and occasionally during the week, so it all balances out pretty well.
Thanks for the feedback :)
I want to sleep with my partner but he is not interested as he is an individual character personality due to this i am feeling low
This problem does not sound like a man who is not sleeping with you because he is an "individual character personality". I think you might be looking for reasons why he is not "interested" in sleeping with you. I would be more inclined to think something else is going on, either he has someone else, he is not truly in love with you, he is gay or maybe he is not sure of his committment to you yet.
There are many reasons he may not want to be intimate with you, perhaps he has impotence problems he is embarrassed about, maybe he thinks he doesn't satisfy you, does he feel his "male parts" are small!
Bottom line, talk to him or seek counselling, but don't ignore this and find reasons such as the "individual character" one to explain away an unusual problem that surely has far more behind it than just that.
I sincerely wish you well
In my guess you have picked the wrong person to be with, if you dont find confort and peace wile sleeping togather. My best rest is when I know there is some one there with me no matter what her falts are. My guess this is why divorse cort is so over packed. Will your name be on the list soon.. dont be so shure
LOL, no, we are perfectly happy Ray, and if you read all the comments you will see many many people feel the same way in spite of being in perfectly happy relationships. Perhaps you should read the hub again and see why so many people in stable relationships choose NOT to sleep together, e.g. snoring, getting too hot etc. My parents are in their 70's, madly in love with each other, yet they sleep in separate rooms, (which is not to say they don't share pleasure time in bed together). My Step Father gets too hot if they share a bed and his snoring also disturbs my Mum. They are both very content with the arrangement as each gets to sleep peacefully whilst still being able to make love at times which suit them.
Also, with all due respect, can I suggest you check your spelling out before posting, as your comment being littered with spelling mistakes immediately gives it less credibility in the eyes of anyone reading it!
Well I was going to do a hub about this but you really covered a lot of what I would have said. I am all for it. My husband and I stopped sleeping in the same bed about 3 yrs ago. Here's th problem though. Him "moving out" of our bedroom in to his own wasn't originally on good terms. He would get cracnky when the baby, also in the room at the time, would wake up during the night so he kept leaving to go sleep in another room so one day I told him to stay out. And he has, but now I am so spoiled sleeping by myself I don't want to share a bed anymore. He snores, sweats, and hogs the bed at night. He also gets up at 4 am and I prefer 9 am so now there are practical reasons for us to sleep separate. What's cool is concerning sex, it's like coming over to the other's place for a romp then going back to our own place, kind of sexy like when we were dating and living separately. So I will say it again; I'm all for it.
Hi Izettl, well it certainly works for us and I love it. As you say, no 'sweating' which was annoying to me, plus the snoring made me want to smother him with a pillow, and the fact that he was so determined to 'snuggle up to me' left me unbearably hot and falling off the side of the bed, I reckon we both sleep better in different beds, (not least of which because I go to bed very late, which used to wake him up and leave him struggling to get back to sleep when he had work the following morning).
Yes I go to bed 4 hours after my husband and he gets up 4 hours before me. What's funny is we both sleep with a body pillow so we don't miss each other too much. My husband was like yours- I used to call him a suction cup because he would cling to me in bed. We do just fine wiht our arrangement.
Yes, I agree, it certainly doesn't mean anything is wrong with the relationship as some people seemed to think when they posted comments.
This is trully insane. Selfish? Yes. I sleep with my husband and he snoores , he sweats, and is very hot and rather sleep with the window open. I never slep with windows open. I got used to it! U guys are such babies and selfish. We as humans need that touch and affection I can't believe people shy awy from it. Sigh.... only white people have these issues
Well each to their own, but as you will see from most of the comments, your viewpoint is contested by many couples, not just one half, but both halves of the couples, and no doubt not ALL of them white people!! It is actually pretty unselfish to also consider your partner may need a good nights sleep in order to function at work the next day, and therefore by agreeing to sleep apart you are performing a selfless act. It all depends on your perspective, but perhaps you could think things through a little more thoroughly before posting quite such an aggressive comment! You can still have touch and affection, just not necessarily during sleeping hours. Get together at other times to enjoy those things!
I am really surprised at how many like sleeping on their own,I will only sleep alone when one of us is away.
To me that is part of being married sharing a bed even when we fight over a sheet or he fidgets.
I would hate seperate beds/bedrooms unless one of us got really ill & had to for a very good reason.
Hi freecampingaussie, I think a few of our mutual friends felt the same until I played them a recording of my Husband's snoring at night and the whole bar could hear it, in spite of a stack of background noise going on. Suddenly everyone completely understood why we tend to have our own bedrooms, but get together when we fancy 'a cuddle'!
Great post. I find the difficulties and choices made by couples in their sleeping habits to be fascinating. I’d love to read more on this topic.
I’d love to see more like it. Thanks!
My husband and I have been married 20 years now. It took a long time for me to get use to him sleeping in the same bed as me when he quit working the graveyard shift. We mostly sleep together now, but on occation will change our sleep routine. I think for us, it didn't matter if we were sleeping side by side or apart, we slept pretty good.
Great hub! Thanks for sharing it.
Thanks for sharing your experience tlpoague, it definitely takes time to get used to sharing a bed when you are used to having it all to yourself, but I am glad you managed to sleep okay together all in all. )
awesome hub misty,i googled this thinking i was gonna end up with nothing but turned out i wasnt alone in this,im 22 n i have been having trouble sleeping comfortably each time my gf come over to my place for a night of intimacy n as a college student i end up missing the early morning classes since after a sleepless night,i need to get 3 or 4 more hours of alone sleep after she is gone,ive been having this problem with all the girls i ever spent sum intimate nights with,i never snore n am not overweight at all,i think this is a sign that im the kind who loves personal space n noW ill feel comfortable expLaining this to the woman ill spend my life with,cOz ill sure be needing a seperate bed lol,n i hope she will understand.??? ???????)))
Hi Gentleman88, thanks so much for your feedback. Do make sure you keep a link to this hub so you can show it to 'the woman you spend your life with', in order to convince her it isn't personal when you say you need to sleep alone :)
My partner and I have been together for 3 years and for the first year of our relationship I really had difficulties getting a good night sleep when sleeping in the same bed together. So I decided to set up in the spare room where I now have no problem sleeping. Also when in bed he likes to watch TV whilst multi tasking with laptop and mobile phone and I prefer to read and then sleep in silence. However, he does tend to take the fact that I prefer to sleep alone personally and thinks of it as a failure of our relationship and sees it as a threat in which has a negative impact upon our relationship in general. So not sure what to do about this as I do not want to share a bed each and every night and I try to convince him that this does not equate to not loving him?
This is tricky Jules, especially when the partner feels concerned that it is a sign of problems in the relationship. I would actually suggest you get him to read this page and the comments that followed in order to reassure him. My parents still happily have their own bedrooms, and have a very romantic and loving relationship. Both of them are perfectly happy with the arrangement and both of them sleep better as a result.
It is a well known medical fact that the bedroom should be a place we associate with sleep and relaxation rather than mind stimulating activities if we are to get a good nights sleep. The fact he is using laptops, watching TV and using a mobile phone is not only bad for his potential sleep, but also for yours. You could try explaining this to him and ask him to meet you half way, i.e. on the nights you do share the bed he refrains from these activities.
You might find my article on sleeping helpful in aspects of this: http://hubpages.com/hub/Why-do-I-sleep-too-much
Thanx Misty,
reading you comment is so reassuring to me as I strongly believe that the bedroom should not be a place for the TV, phone or computer in which I have spoken to him about but it seems that he has an obession with these digital items and in fact I feel that he has a stronger relationship with his iphone and laptop than me! Tonight has been a prime example he was sat on the sofa (not bedroom this though!) with his laptop and connected to it with earplugs in which I asked him to lay the table for dinner whilst I cook the veg. but I was ignored (yes he could hear me dispite the earplugs) in which made me angry and I accidently knocked over my glass of wine and got more angry and stated that it was his 'bl**dy' fault and now we are not talking to one another in which he took his laptop and went to his 'den' (room) and he has now banished me from his bedroom in which we were meant to be having a romantic evening as it is Saturday!
It does become very political when you have your own bedroom and space as I feel that the person then guards their territory. Human life is confusing as on one hand we are born into this world and start by sleeping on our own to at least our late teens in which is reinforced by our parents and which is a part of our culture and then suddenly we fall in love and then the culture changes as society's expectation is that couples sleep in the same bed/house.
However, I protest and feel that I am more liberal in my attitude and I think that now, espcially in the 21st Century, attitudes have changed. Well this Hub just goes to show!
Perhaps I have just an old fashioned man who is somewhat traditional?
Hi Jules,
Well in some ways he might be old fashioned, but clearly not in ALL ways or he would never consider having such items in the bedroom, (would your parents have done these activities before sleep whilst lying in bed?). Actually it sounds to me like he is being darn selfish and inconsiderate as to your needs, and if he won't even meet you half way, or try to include you in his evenings before bed, clearly he prefers these items to you. Personally I would question if he is the right partner as it sounds as if you could do much better.
Sorry if that sounds harsh, but you sound like a really nice and reasonable person, whereas your partner sounds like the complete opposite.
Yes, very awesome hub. lol I had some problems with my ex-husband stealing those blankets, and hitting him every time he snored. lol He always got mad at me for waking him up when he snored, but I figure if you're going to keep me awake, I might as well keep him awake! :) The dogs just jumped in bed with us. It was a little crowded!
Hi Hattie, thanks for commenting. Snoring is my biggest frustration with my Husband if I am honest. I get so mad when people say I should make an effort to get used to it for the sake of the relationship. His snoring is off the scale volume-wise, and even guests who have stayed have been unable to sleep because of it, and they aren't even in the same room. The Doctor says it is a problem in his nasal passages as opposed to this throat, but so far no solution seems to have been suggested other than Hubby losing some weight and drinking less alcohol. Neither of these are likely to happen, and to be honest I am just not convinced they would work. Hubby has quite a large nose too, and used to do boxing, so I seem to remember that was part of the cause. All I do know is we both sleep better in separate rooms, although we do sleep together if people stay overnight who need the guest room.
It seems it's the other way around, men sleep better beside mate, women worse:
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/21091112/ns/health-sle
Anyway, the conclusion: don't sleep in the same bed.
Interesting info on that link hbunny, thanks for posting it. End conclusion I totally agree with you. I sleep 99% of the time in 'our' room, and hubbby snores happily away in the spare room upstairs. That said I can still hear his loud snoring even on the lower floor, but it is not quite enough to keep me awake at that distance, (sadly my Sister cannot say the same when she stays, as even with him on a different floor she brings ear plugs with her).
My wife and I are married 29 years now and we just started sleeping separately in the last year or so due to BOTH of us snoring. We usually take turns sleeping on the Living Room couch but I frequently sleep on the Den futon on a different floor. We both sleep soundly now because we are not waking each other up any longer. I thought wanting to sleep alone showed definite signs of a failing marriage but this hub has proven to me that prefering to sleep alone is VERY common. I'm glad to hear this. I thought I had a weird problem. Thanks!
I am glad this put your mind at rest Nicky. My Hubby and I both sleep so much better now we mostly sleep apart, and our marriage is rock solid. :)
This is totally agree. Sleeping separately builds the vigour of sex. they absence makes heart fonder. So if the couple sleep together every night, who knows, the vigour keeps declining....I am just saying it. Experts pit there will prove this. All I can say is it also enhances or the couples sex life.
Thanks Ian, glad you are one of those who understand this. So many people seem to assume there has to be a problem in the relationship if the couple don't sleep together.
I am so happy to have found this hub! My boyfriend and i have been together for two years. While dating when we would have sleep overs he could never have any rest because of my snoring (i have asthma). When we moved in together, the first night he poked and shoved me so many times that neither one of us got any sleep. From night two we slept separately. It used to be embarassing to admit to having separate rooms,especially since initally it was my snoring that was blamed, however, we came to realise that we couldnt sleep together anyway. He sleeps surronded by pillows, bounces when he changes position, and likes the room to be freezing. He also goes to bed an hour earlier than me. I like the room warm, my sheets neat, and wake up for the slightest sound or movement. I also have occasional insomnia. Our relationship couldnt survive sharing a bed.
We cuddle in front of the tv at night, eat all our meals together at the dining table, and are otherwise inseparable.
Additionally, we both work from home so our separate rooms double as our offices. Couldnt fathom trying to sleep while he types and takes calls, and vice versa.
I feel better about our arrangement now after readng your article and the posts. I love having my own space and not worrying about disurbing him wih my snoring and nocturnal habits. On weekends its delightful to sneak into his bed in the morning so we 'wake up' together and he tucks me in the nights i go to bed before him. We also take naps in each others bed so that the feeling is still there of OUR rooms and not his room and my room.
While ideally i would love to sleep with him everynight, and try to cram all my clothng into his dresser and closet so that we give that happy couple sharing everything appearance, we wouldnt last that way. I would rather love him in my room than resent him everytime i laid in bed not able to sleep because of insomnia or fear of disturbing his sleep and watching him blissfully snoozing the night away.
I think separate bedrooms have saved us. Getting a good night sleep makes all the difference when you have a stressful job as well which we both do.
Lastly- being black...i can safely say that this isnt a white people problem. Im going now to 'wake up' with him.
Thanks currterr05, your story is typical of why it works so well when couples do choose to sleep apart. My Hubby and I still refer to the main bedroom (where I sleep) as 'our room' too, even though he only sleeps in it occasionally or for a few hours if we have a cuddle.
I really appreciate your feedback :)
I don't get this, but it is an interesting topic. I don't agree that couple do better in seperate beds. You say your point of view is not about sex, well my view on this is not about sex either.
I find that I really love having my partner by my side. I would probably feel alone even though I am not single anymore, if my spouse wasn't next to me in bed. I think most other couples would feel the same way.
Thinking of the pros and cons in sleeping alone, I find that sleeping without your partner is a real big con that far outweighs all 12 of these pros put together.
I'll take the alarm, roll together and the middle of the night advances if it means I can have my better half by my side.
Hi Misato,
I don't know if you read the comments here too, but perhaps that would make it easier to understand. My Husband for instance snores so badly that when he has had to share a room with mates on weekends visiting friends, they have had to leave the room and sleep elsewhere because they couldn't even cope with his snoring. My own Sister brings earplugs with her when she stays, and on those occasions she is on a completely different floor to my Husband, (you can only imagine how bad the snoring is if you are in the same room).
If he spends all night being poked, kicked and told to 'stop snoring' then neither of us get a good night's sleep, and he has to go out to work the following morning. Both of us would be overtired, snappy and irritable with each other as a result.
Another good point was made by the most recent commenter, who said:
"My boyfriend and i have been together for two years. While dating when we would have sleep overs he could never have any rest because of my snoring (i have asthma). When we moved in together, the first night he poked and shoved me so many times that neither one of us got any sleep. From night two we slept separately. It used to be embarassing to admit to having separate rooms,especially since initally it was my snoring that was blamed, however, we came to realise that we couldnt sleep together anyway. He sleeps surronded by pillows, bounces when he changes position, and likes the room to be freezing. He also goes to bed an hour earlier than me. I like the room warm, my sheets neat, and wake up for the slightest sound or movement. I also have occasional insomnia. Our relationship couldnt survive sharing a bed."
If you read the rest of her comment you will see this has not had any negative effect on their relationship at all.
Food for thought!
Thirteenth reason may be the spouse may like to sleep with some other partner?
LOL Trsmd, well that wasn't quite what I had in mind.
I find this to be completely wrong I sleep worse alone than I do with my fiance. And he 8is the same way when we are not spending the night together we both sleep terribly. I have insomnia and yet when I'm spending the night with he I don't lay there and toss and turn like I normally do when I sleep alone we snuggle up together and I go straight to sleep and I stay asleep except for using the bathroom and he sleeps like a baby he sleeps so well that I have to practically jump on him to wake him up in the morning. So no offense but I find your argument invaild but I'm sure you make a good point to other people.
Hi Haley, I am not suggesting people who sleep perfectly well together should sleep apart (and to be honest when I first wrote this hub it was meant to be light hearted in nature, hence the references to making more room for cats on the bed by sleeping separately etc). The argument is never invalid for people who struggle to sleep well together though, only invalid for someone in a position such as yours, where sleeping with your partner actually helps you to sleep. I defy anyone to spend a night in bed with my Husband and get any sleep at all simply due to the level of his snoring.
The comments made by other readers do back up the argument this hub makes well though, as you will see there are many people who struggle to sleep with their partners for all sorts of reasons and agree they sleep better apart, yet still love their partner dearly.
No offense taken though, so do continue to sleep well together :)
I find it hilarious that some people come here and say things like you're wrong or your point is invalid or something like that, like their way is the only way. It's not a matter of being wrong or having invalid points, it's about different opinions and ways of doing things. I think it is pretty much established that this works for some people and doesn't for others.
I for one, hate sleeping with my girlfriend in my bed. I can do it a few times, sure, but not as a regular occurrence, I need my sleep, which is one of the most primal and important things in our lives. Good sleep is absolutely necessary and primordial, and if you sleep better alone, so be it.
Thanks so much for your comment Winchupuata, clearly you understand the situation all too well. I hope others read your comment and also 'get it' :D
I have to disagree slightly..
1) One half of the partnership inevitably tends to steal all the duvet, leaving the other poor soul to frantically try to drag it back over to their side of the bed whilst meanwhile freezing their socks off.
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^ I tend to give the blanket, and continue to keep making sure they have enough waking up a few times to ensure they have the blanket and are snug.
2) At least one partner frequently snores so loudly (especially after a few drinks), as to keep the other partner tossing and turning all night with a pillow welded over their ears trying to block out both the noise and the vibrations.
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^ I find it cute if he snores, it doesn't disrupt my sleep
3) It often gets simply too hot for two people in one bed, therefore it is more comfortable to be alone, or if you are on your own and too hot, it is easier to spread out or change to the cooler side of the bed if you are not sharing. It is also pretty unpleasant cuddling up to someone who is sweating profusely, especially when it might not be the case if you were in separate beds.
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^ ....I'm sleeping naked, he is too. I don't care if he sweats O////o;
sticking a leg out of bed and sending him to open a window slightly solves the problem of being too hot.. also it's nice to be warm and snug with someone under chilly covers when the windows open
4) Not sharing a bed leaves more room for your furry pets to share your bed with their own unique brand of loving.
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^ my beds a double, big enough for all 4 of us to snuggle in.. 5 if you include my rat, but my mainecoon would have an issue with her sleeping with us.. not so much my ragdoll(both cats).
5) There is no danger of "Roll Together" if one partner is a lot heavier than the other, (this is when the heavier partner causes such a dip in the mattress so that the lighter partner keeps on rolling into both the resulting crater, and their partner).
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^I've never heard of this happening, ever. My dad is a LOT heavier than my mom.. and this has never happened to them either.. I like sleeping in the dip also.. the little dip that happens sometimes to a mattress? if my boyfriend caused a dip in our mattress I'd swap places with him, and buy an extra mattress for underneath that one to make sure he's comfortable& extra springy = fun :)
6) If one of you is prone to needing to get up in the middle of the night for a visit to the toilet, a cigarette or a drink of water, sleeping apart removes the risk of disturbance from lights going on, duvets being thrown back etc.
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^ I go to the toilet a lot I don't "throw back" the duvey.. even if it's just my cat sleeping with me because.. well.. that would cause her to grumble at me and leave.. and I like cuddling her ;A; ..I know my room well enough to not need to turn the light on.
7) If your partner is prone to sexual advances towards you in the middle of the night when you would prefer to be asleep so you are suitably rested for work the next morning, sleeping apart will make it far more effort for them to try and sneak a hand (or other unwelcome appendage), into a place you would prefer they left alone until a more convenient time.
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^ I like sleepy sex, but when I'm tired.. I'm tired.. he wouldn't try anything if he knew I had to have enough sleep for an early start the next day.
8) If one of you has to get up for work at a completely different time to the other, sleeping in separate rooms ensures their alarm clock will not also wake the person who does not yet need to be awake or need to surface from under the depths of their cosy duvet and fascinating dreams of being chatted up by gorgeous film stars.
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^ no interest in filmstars, such dreams would probably freak me.. and even if it's a good dream I much prefer my boyfriend.. aaaalllssssoooooo I'd like to kiss him goodbye when he gets up for classes.. he usually leaves me a note though and is careful not to wake me..
9) Partners who meaning well, and wanting to be affectionate, treat you like a glove puppet, and keep on sliding their hands up inside your pyjama top to cuddle you. Very sweet, but also can be very uncomfortable when you are trying to sleep. A separate bed ensures this problem will not be one you have to deal with!
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^ explaining that it's uncomfortable ensures this problem will not be one you have to deal with..
& like I said already, no pajamas :) it gets chilly sometimes if I'm facing away from him, a warm hand is alllways welcome.
10) Partners who can't help but fidget in bed, twitching, kicking, jolting etc. A real blessing is to have them in a different bed so you can relax without your bed becoming a vibrating nightmare.
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^I vibrate in my sleep :D I don't think it annoys him at all.. he sleeps right through it lol!
11) If your partner talks in their sleep this can be quite frustrating, especially if it is incoherent, and you are straining to understand what they are saying in case it is something you 'need to know'. Usually it is only nonsense, but by now you are wide awake and asking them questions, to which you are receiving unintelligible or crazy answers due to them still being asleep.
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^ I get "I love you" "ko.. ko!.."
I talk in my sleep.. he asks me things and I tell him all kinds of stuff I wouldn't usually tell him lol.. he's sneaky like that, but it's not a problem.
12) Partners who sleepwalk. This would scare most people as well as disturbing them. Imagine waking up in the middle of the night to find a glassy eyed Husband standing over you who seems to think you are the bloke who stole his ex-girlfriend 20 years earlier. You do hear cases of people sleepwalking who have murdered their partners without knowing what they are doing, and my advice is not only sleep apart, but get a lock on your bedroom door if this is their problem.
^ sleeping in seperate beds probably wouldn't help.. and if they went banging around down stairs it'd probably panic you more..
I'd rather sleep with him to keep an eye on him when he's sleep walking if I'm honest.
I think I'm perhaps.. quite blessed :)
LOL, well I certainly think you are extremely understanding and tolerant Neko, and your Husband is 'Blessed'.
BTW, I used to have a pet rat, in fact I have had three over the years, plus worked in a place with 2000 under my care. They make fab pets.
One other thing, 'Roll together' is actually very common, but probably more so with older mattresses. This is one of the things modern mattresses like Tempur and 'Silentnight' market themselves on. In fact the latter used to illustrate their product and point by showing a small duckling going to bed with a large hippopotamus. Of course in the advert the duckling sleeps peacefully without rolling into the hippo.
Swapping places wouldn't work, you would simply move the problem to the other side of the bed. An extra mattress would create the same problem, only higher lol. The dip only occurs when they are in the bed, not as a permanent dent.
You sound really sweet and loving, and I am guessing that you are still in the fairly early stages of your relationship, which is why everything looks really rosy right now. give it a few years and I am fairly certain you will have at least some of the above listed frustrations (honestly, I used to be so much like you when I was in loving relationships that were still exciting, romantic and fun). When you are madly in love everything seems wonderful, even the habits that later annoy us.
The sanctity of a marriage is to share. Why is it the woman must change the person, the home,and the way of life. The older I get the more I see women as selfish.
Strange comment loverman, who is to say it won't be the man who wants to sleep alone because of some of the reasons on the list? In fact plenty of men have commented here to agree with this article. It seems you have jumped to the conclusion the woman must be the one who is changing things. In fact your comment makes very little sense at all, because the couple may not even live together, so nothing is being 'changed' if sleeping apart is how they start off the relationship!!
(actually it would be more selfish to insist on sleeping with another person when you knew that your sleeping habits prevented them sleeping comfortably).
goldentoad 3 years ago
I thought I was all alone on this one, I just can't get a good night sleep when my spouse and I are in the same bed. This is a good hub, and I'm going to have to print this put it on the frig, so maybe she stops thinking I'm such a heartless guy. And also, on the kitchen table, really?