I am NOT Still Hung Up on my Ex!
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My Ex and I split up well over four and a half years ago now. I ended up hating him so much for what he did to me, how he treated me and what I gave up for him that I actually wrote an article about him called Living with a Control Freak.
I have had a pretty rough life overall, and without dwelling on all the gory details too much, I have been bullied by my late Husband's family, (I was widowed at 33 after he died from Bowel Cancer), I have spent years in abusive relationships in the past, I grew up with a sick and very bad tempered much older Father and most of my boyfriend's cheated on me. Without making excuses, this has seriously affected my attitude in life, and now I have become a pretty vindictive personality, and I need to see justice done, or at least get revenge on those who hurt or abuse me. Please don't misunderstand me, I am loyal to the end to people who are genuine and kind to me or others, but feel unable to rely on people getting their "deserved fate" without a bit of intervention. Too often it seems that the most evil and nasty individuals sail through life with all the luck of the Irish seeming to follow them around. People have tried to reassure me that in the Spiritual sense of the word we should "feel sorry" for those who always seem to "land on their feet", as it simply means that they are spiritually advancing far slower due to lack of bad experiences. I would love to be totally convinced of this, but without knowing for certain it simply isn't enough for me.
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And so the problem arises with my Husband, (who I do love to bits by the way). Although this issue does not raise it's ugly head all the time, periodically it does, not least of which when my family go through rants in front of him about how much they hate my ex and what deserves to happen to him, (the claws really come out for that one believe me!). I am guilty of joining in these conversations, and truly I wish the guy was dead, and I joke about how I can't wait to see his name in the obituary column in our local paper, (I warned you I was vindictive didn't I!). So why does my Husband get so angry about this subject I have to ask myself? It isn't as if it comes up daily, in fact more often than not it may only come up once a fortnight or so, and even then, it is hardly a nostalgia trip on my part, far from it!!!
Tonight has really bewildered me totally. A few nights ago in our local bar I ended up having a very serious row with a local airline pilot over the importance of animals versus people. Needless to say he was of the attitude animals are less important, whilst I feel we don't have the right to say such a thing when we are not God. This row resulted in him storming out of the pub after he resorted to making personal and insulting remarks about me, (I am guessing at the point he ran out of arguments to form a case with against my determination). Sadly, the way my disposition is, I ended up going home in floods of tears because of the personal comments he made about me. My Husband was very angry on my behalf, and did telephone the chap to say how upset I was and that this did not make him very happy. Fine, have a difference of opinion, but don't resort to insults and personal remarks!
I decided that I did not want to revisit this local bar for quite a while, as bumping into this individual was the last thing I needed, (as it was I cried for a whole evening and was incredibly depressed for several days after the confrontation). Tonight, my Husband opted to go down to the bar in question because a friend of ours on holiday called him and wanted to see him. Fair enough, this guy is a lovely chap who will only be over for a short time, and he is staying in the hotel where the bar is located. I chose to stay home because I did not want to bump into the pilot who had basically told me I should "Sober up and think again" and that "I wasn't a person he wanted to know anyway if I had the attitude to animals that I do", (in other words I rate animals as about equal in importance to humans, of which he disagrees strongly, a topic for another hub no doubt).
Anyway, Hubby went down to meet our friend, and I chose to stay at home and relax. Around 01.00am Hubby rolls home, slightly inebriated and fills me in on how sorry this pilot is, and how he wants me to meet him so that he can apologise as he feels really bad about what he said to me. I am not against this idea, as after all I like a quiet life as much as anyone, but somehow this conversation with my Hubby morphed into this debate over my ex and my feelings towards him.
I guess this happened because the subject came up about how I find it hard to forgive people after they do me wrong, (unless they realise they have done me wrong and apologise so we can make up). I listed my ex-fiance as an example of this, as well as my ex-Step Son, and this did not go down well. I simply couldn't get my Husband to understand why I could not "move on" as far as the terrible way my ex-fiance treated me. He failed completely to grasp why it drives me mad, even four and a half years later, to know this man is still earning money playing guitar and singing to unsuspecting and doting, female fans, whilst his new Wife although looking pretty depressed most of the time, stays with him, leading me to believe she may think I was the cause of our break up, and not realise he stabbed an innocent man when him and I lived in Tenerife, plus tried to strangle my dog, blackened my name, hit me, etc etc. It also adds to my frustration that my ex-Stepson is a person I feel equally as hateful towards, after all, he stole his Dad's car from me and a very expensive Camcorder after his Dad died, leaving me in the middle of Romney Marsh in Kent in he UK, with only a run down old van for transport, and no money to survive on.
My Husband seems to think that my anger over the way these people treated me in my past indicates that:
1) I must still be in love with my ex, (never, I hate the guy and will be not be sad when he finally expires, plus I wouldn't even pass the time of day with him now, never mind getting involved with him again).
2) I should have long since let the horrible cruelty my ex-adult stepson treated me with go and have moved on.
This has caused a huge row between us, as I cannot seem to get him to understand that I could easily let this all go if I saw justice done, but so far that hasn't happened. I don't want my ex back ever, not in a million years, and if he crawled back to me on bended knees I would probably kick him in the mouth, not welcome him with open arms!
As for my ex-Step Son, he can rot in Hell, (if it exists at all), as I know his Dad would have been totally ashamed at how he treated me, especially after I nursed his Dad around the clock for the two weeks he was in hospital prior to his death, (juggling sick bowls, urine bowls, washing him etc). For Neal to then go on to be so cruel towards me without provocation was shocking and unforgivable, and I cannot simply move on until I see him get what he deserves. Am I so different to anyone in this regard??
And so, I write this whilst Hubby has fallen asleep in the lounge stating I am still hung up on my ex..... crazy, as I would never want to be with my ex... Hell, I don't even want to clap eyes on that monster ever again!!! To be quite honest, he is now an overweight, ageing blob of a man, borderline geriatric, with a full set of upper dentures and an ego the size of Australia, (that is unfounded by the way). What's to want???
Help, what can I possibly do or say to convince my Husband of four years that I only want this ex-Fiance and also my ex-Stepson (different relationships by the way), to meet a sticky end??
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Thanks Tatjana, as usual I can rely on you to offer excellent wisdom and advice on these kind of matters. Hubby has today apologised to me, and says he isn't jealous, but just wants me to be over my past and live for the present and the future. I am not totally convinced he isn't slightly jealous, but he is trying to deal with a problem in me that he has never suffered from himself, so finds it hard to understand why I am the way I am.
Well, I would at least partially agree to your husband Cindy. You definitely ARE emotionally attached to every abuser in your life.
This is based on what you said, I obviously don't know all the details and could be wrong, but it looks pretty certain that you do know how to forgive. By keeping all your offenses with you all the time, you do a great disservice to yourself. I know it is hard to get there, but trust me, revenge does much more damage to originator than to receiver...
For a sake of your own sanity you have to learn to let it go :)
There is a short Buddhist story that I love quite a bit, which is directly applicable to your case. Give it a read, and think how it applies to you, please. :)
Thanks Misha I shall certainly give it a read. I do know how to forgive that is for sure, but what I can't forgive is a person who simply isn't sorry, and even goes so far as to tell others that I was the problem, not them, and denies certain things ever happened which most definintely did. Then there was the stuff my ex said about my family that was untrue, but as there are no slander laws in Guernsey we can't sue him for spreading these lies around. I cannot forgive a cruel and spiteful individual, and it does infuriate me that other people seem to think he is a pretty rational individual as he comes across as so plausible. It just annoys me so much to see his life apparently going along very nicely when by rights I think he should be locked up somewhere, (or worse!!).
Thanks for your input though :)
Misty, you don't have to forgive someone who isn't sorry. Honestly, that is not required. And there's no point in pretending to forgive, when you haven't yet. You can't force your emotions.
What you can do is de-focus away from the bad memories. Put more emphasis on the good things in your life and the choices that you have before you now. You don't have to fake forgiveness in order to escape the hold that the past has on you.
I agree emotions cannot be forced but we can get involved in activities that take our mind off it.
I think that in a way, you are hung up on your ex...not in a positive way, but still, there is a definite emotional connection there because you allow yourself to harbour this intense hate. Learning to forgive is a difficult thing for humans to do. Forgiving does not mean forgetting, and it does not mean that you can't still be of the opinion that if the person gets what they deserve then all will be right with the world. It simply means that you will allow yourself to move on, and the world won't end if they never get their just desserts. Have you ever heard the phrase "Don't let people live in you head rent-free"? I live by it. I was horribly abused as a child, by the other children at school as well as by my father. I have forgiven every single kid that mistreated me, including the girl that got me expelled from middle school, and I am in the process of learning to forgive my father. I'm receiving counselling for the mood disorders and the post-traumatic stress disorder that my childhood experiences have left me with and I really wonder why I didn't do it sooner.
It'll take time but it is very important to learn how to forgive, especially if your inability to do so is putting stress on you current relationship.
Hi Aya, thanks for giving me your input. I try to put the memories out of my head, but they creep up on me, often in my dreams, or when I am lying in bed in the mornings before getting up. Even day-dreaming occasionally, results in these thoughts uncontrollably flooding back, and yet I can't seem to find the "off switch". It is probably just as frustrating to me as to my Husband, if not moreso! I can distract myself with other activities and good things to a large degree, but when you stop, even for a short while, enjoying those distractions, the bitterness and hatred, resentment etc come flooding back. It is tough.
Hi Ocbill, thanks for commenting. Like I said to Aya, I do get involved in activities that provide a brief distraction, but the feelings and memories always come back when I stop the activities. Very annoying! I do gardening on a large scale, I help to run our fishing lake, I watch lots of TV, I visit my Mum and Step Dad every other day or so, plus of course I write Hubs. In all honesty I already find I don't have enough hours in the day, or days in the week, to do all that I want to do, but still the horrible memories and anger haunt me in those brief moments between activities.
"De-focusing" as Aya says and you practice just tries to conceal those emotions IMO, to hide them even from yourself. I tend to think this approach does not work and backfires, either by emotional breakdown, or by physical sickness of some kind.
Did you try to dedicate some quality time to hating him full force? To meditate on it? To bath yourself in this emotion?
In my personal experience such kind of stuff goes away only when exhausted. :)
Hi Ocbill, thanks for commenting. Like I said to Aya, I do get involved in activities that provide a brief distraction, but the feelings and memories always come back when I stop the activities. Very annoying! I do gardening on a large scale, I help to run our fishing lake, I watch lots of TV, I visit my Mum and Step Dad every other day or so, plus of course I write Hubs. In all honesty I already find I don't have enough hours in the day, or days in the week, to do all that I want to do, but still the horrible memories and anger haunt me in those brief moments between activities.
Yes, Misty, a lot of helpful advise--I know it's hard to forgive when the perpetrators of the injuries aren't sorry and won't admit they've done anything wrong. The injustice rankles. Severely. What your husband is saying is that you need to let it go--the rehashing and reopening of old injuries by talking about them just awakens bad feelings. It hurts your husband to think that you think about your ex so much and that he (your husband) is being ineffectual in helping you to heal. Though it sounds like he's trying.
You need validation (that your injuries were real, and that they were undeserved, and that they were unfair, and that people recognize who the guilty party is who inflicted the injuries and withdraw their favor from him), before you can let these things go. You were very hurt and you want these hurts acknowledged and atoned for before you will release them.
Well, that's not the way it always happens in real life. It is your inner child who is hanging onto those hurts, exclaiming, "It isn't fair!"
It is the adult Misty who recognizes that real life sometimes just isn't fair and was able to form a non-abusive relationship with a good guy.
In order for you to have closure, you have to get the adult Misty to convince the inner child to let those injuries go.
You (the adult Misty) is being much more injured, continually, forward in time, by hanging onto old injuries and keeping the memory of those injuries alive.
You are also hurting your husband by hanging onto those old injuries and not letting both of you relax and move forward into a rewarding and fulfilling relationship in the present moment.
Talk to your inner child: comfort her and reassure her. Validate her feelings. Then maybe she will be able to let go.
Thanks Suiiki, for your honest and brave comment. You must be way stronger than I am as I doubt I could forgive the people who did such terrible things to you. I too was bullied badly at school, and even though I am now 39, I have never felt able to forgive them, (and have since found out at least two of them are still total bitches). I may have been more able to forgive my former tormentors if they had come to me in later years and genuinely apologised, but they never did. I truly admire you.
Interesting idea Misha, but I doubt it would work as all I would do is spend that time wanting to see justice done, yet not getting it. This might well leave me more bitter than ever I suspect.
Thanks for all the genuine advice Paradise 7. You may well be right that I am making things worse by continuing to not let these feelings go, but I simply don't know how to. I am already on daily anti-depressants, even they don't make much difference. It is crazy that on some things I can be so strong, but not as far as my past traumas go, especially because I feel justice has never been done. It sounds terrible, but I still think the only real cure for me would be to hear these perpetrators had died or suffered horribly themselves, otherwise I am not sure I can persuade my "inner child" to let these feelings go.
Sometimes you have to STOP----time out--- and some soul search. Why repeat the same mistakes over and over and over again. Yes we all have been repetative at some point, but the objective of living is learning as well as moving forward. Who wants to get over an abusive so called relationship. You have to put your foot down and trash the relationship without looking back. There is no pleasure in pure pain
Cindy: I was in an emotionally abusive relationship with the ex for 7 years. I was more angry at myself for allowing this to happen, but realized everything in life is for our learning. I am certainly much more empowered nowadays, and deeply grateful for the life of peace I have with my s/o, and will not allow the ex's energy to enter my current union. I actually wish the ex healing, and have on occasion sent him light. The best "revenge" you can have is to allow yourself to have inner peace. If you ex is not sorry, that's his issue and level of conciousness. Karma will take care of things. I cannot believe that anyone who inflicts suffering on another can be "happy", the need to hurt others comes from a mind and spirit that is in deep turmoil or filled with anger.
I wish you healing from the anger you feel; you are kind, I have seen your kindness, and you deserve freedom from the past as does your hubby. :)
Misty Horizon it doesn't sound at all like you are hung up on your ex or your ex step son. I think what you are consumed with is a great deal of PAIN. your ex-fiancee' obviously was no good to you and you are trying to pave your way through your grievances. I don't think you have totally healed from this partcular relationship and this is your only hang up. Maybe seek some counselling for this.
Also the step son thing. I think thaat you need to keep in mind that this guy lost his dad. So while he was directly ripping you off and taking this out on you he was grieving for his father and had gone into a self destructive pattern. Probably without any thought as to how this affected those around him. I don't know I wasn't there but that is what I saw between the lines.
As for hubby. Maybe ask him what the most painful thing he ever went through was. How did he move on? How did he heal from those emotional wounds? Explain that the "hang up" is not the ex its the torment he caused you. Maybe he could come with you to a counselling session.
Ultimately, don't talk about anything that makes you angry with your partner when either of you are intoxicated. It leads to a row %99.99 of the time. Maybe hubby is also feeling a little insecure that he did not know you then to PROTECT you from all of the horrors that you SURVIVED.
Good luck honey I wish you well and keep in mind that communication is always a two way street.
Thanks Reeltaulk, I do keep trying to trash the relationship and not look back, but something in my personailty, (a flaw I know), seems to make it really hard for me to achieve that goal, especially when living on a small island I keep seeing reminders of him such as posters advertising his next gig, or seeing his friends, him, his new wife etc whenever I go out. It might be easier if I lived many miles away, but that is not an option.
Hi Violetsun, thanks for sharing your experiences too. My ex is certainly a screwed up individual, and like you I am probably as mad at myself for putting up with it for so long, as I am at him. I just wish I could see justice done to him in this lifetime, and then I think I could move on very easily.
Hi Phoenixarizona, thanks for the advice. Yes I am consumed by a lot of pain, and the bad memories never seem to go away for long. I am on anti-depressants because of these memories, (amongst other stuff), and even they only just take the edge off it. My Step Son never liked me even when his Dad was alive, so it felt like he just waited until his Dad was safely "out the way" to vent his hatred onto me. Whilst I was up at the hospital daily looking after my dying Husband I barely saw Neal at all, and he certainly never helped with any of the care Dave required in those final two weeks. When Neal did those horrible things to me after his Dad had died (at which point I weighed under 6 stone), I asked Neal if he thought his Dad would be proud of his behaviour, and he said that his Dad would be proud of it. Even his family didn't intervene on my behalf, including his Brother, his Mum, his Grandparents etc. I was disgusted at all of them, and incredibly frustrated that Dave was no longer alive to sort them out.
I did try to ask my current Hubby about anything as nasty he had been through, but you know what, there wasn't anything he could think of, so either he has been really lucky, or he handled it so well at the time that he has forgotten about it completely. I think he now realises that it is not a case of my being still in love with my ex, but he wants me to be happy and relaxed and can't see any way to achieve that, which naturally frustrates him. Counselling won't work for me, I know because I have tried it on several occasions in the past and even though I tried different Counsellors I found that I simply acted like I was at a job interview, so all the horrible emotions became suppressed and I couldn't even specifically remember a lot of it when I was there. Even when I did manage to interact a little with one counsellor, I didn't really feel any better overall.
Thanks again for your support, kind words and advice. I shall keep battling on as always :)
Oh dear sounds terrible.
Sorry to hear counselling has not worked for you. Have you thought about hypnotherapy? That is something worth looking into. It will help you work through your pain and you won't be concious for it. I highly recommend it.
Good luck I wish you well.
Thanks again Phoenixarizona, but I am one of those people who simply can't be hypnotised, and I have tried with several different reputable hypnotists in the past, (only for things like stopping smoking and nail biting). Solutions for me seem pretty impossible to find I am afraid.
I am not in a position to give advice to you becouse we are all so very different, but:
I have dealt with trauma in my own life. I am fortunate in that I have been able to fill my life with other things so the bad things can be allowed to fade away and become just bleached memories.
When bad stuff hits me full on I choose to channel my anger and frustration into exercise. While working out, hard, I can empty my mind and forget everything but the here and now. My favourite is doing gymnastics and working out on a big punching bag. After working out, the problems I had or the memories that came forth have faded away and I can be with friends again to enjoy them and myself.
In addition I have found that having a good lifestyle and a good job really helps. By good lifestyle I mean
1: Quality sleep for at least 8 hours (working out helps here)
2: Actively choosing to not stress myself, recognizing stress for what it is (hard) and taking action.
3: Eating carbohydrate rich food only twice a week.
4: Getting enough sunlight, being outdoors for some time every day.
5: Learn relaxation, breathing and meditation techniques. (sounds silly, but it helped me)
This probably sounds ridiculous and like something everybody does, but.. I did not and it have raised the quality of my life a lot.
There is also a book called "Born to win" which explained several connections between my self and the past. It also gave me the insight to actively choose to change my life. The last is an empty phrase today, but nothing changes before a decision to change is made, and that is the easy part. Actually finding out what to change, and how, is a real struggle as we are all different and advice that helped one person dont neccesarily help somebody else with the same problem.
I think we are all able to put the bad things behind us and choose to live a happy and fulfilling life, but the road is probably proportionally as hard as it was to live through the past.
Good luck, and dont write off your hubby. Tell him that you need him to listen to you, and take the time to explain your feelings to him. If you tell him that you need him and how you need him, he will probably do and give you all you want. Good luck!
Thank you very much NarrowEscape, (and I mean that most sincerely). Your advice is great, and I shall seriously look into all you have suggested. My Husband is being good about things lately, but I reckon he just gets frustrated by it sometimes. :)
Tatjana-Mihaela 2 years ago
Well, Cindy, hate is normal reaction on any abusement which protect us that the same situation happens again.
This is natural reaction of our nervous system which was suffering for long period of time (connected with fight or flight reaction)... But if we feed this hate with additional thougts and we bring up the bad memory again and again, hate and anger start to become very big problem. (On the body level, anger and hate are causing - autoiimune diseases, hormonal imbalance etc.)
Forgiving is not easy (especially if the person who hurt us is not willing to say sorry), and we usually need to learn how to forgive. At first, try to forgive yourself. You are angry on yourself as well, because you allowed that your ex-abuser became part of your life for so many years. No, you are not in love with your ex, but traumatic experience you had with him creates that you are still negatively "addicted" to speeking about him.
The problem is, you did not heal your traumas (try to explain to your husband) and wounds, so this negative programm (of hate and anger) repeats all the time.
Traumatic experienes need to be treated - step by step. If you want, take a look in one way of healing traumas with angels of karma: http://hubpages.com/hub/ANGELS-LORDS-OF-KARMA-trau
You can find there technique which helped me a lot, plus explanation why traumatic expereiences affect us so badly. Angels helped me to heal my anger (plus I am using prayers or mantras of forgiveness, plus homeopathics to keep me balanced, plus...)...
Human nervous system is very sensitive and we need to put a lot of effort to keep it on the right track (like I said before, hate is natural reaction of our nervous system on dangerous situations in our life.)...otherwise, we start hurting ourselves.
I hope this helped you. When you stop talking and thinking about your ex, your husband will not be jelaous any more...Actually he is not really jealous, he just wants you to see you happy and relaxed - with him....