Human Poo in my Garden!

Okay Okay, when I wrote my recent hub Have-you-examined-your-stools-poo-lately I didn't mean I wanted to examine anyone else's, so you can imagine my disgust when I found a fully fledged human stool parked in front of my car in our communal car park.

It all began when a couple of days ago Hubby and I decided to pay a visit to our local pub. It was already dark outside, so we followed our usual routine of blindly aiming ourselves from our rented cottage in the general direction of the car and hoping for the best. I successfully negotiated approximately two thirds of the 7 or 8 metre route to the car before feeling a nasty squelch under one of my shoes. I automatically commented to Richard on this and asked where on earth such a "puddle" must have come from and suggested it could have even been a dead rabbit our cats had killed. Richard agreed it was unusual, but reassured me it was only a puddle, and that this puddle had been accumulating for the last day or two. Not thinking too much more about it we went on to the pub and enjoyed a few beers before coming back home again.

About two days later (today), I got up ready to go and do a bit of essential shopping. As I ventured out to my car (in broad daylight this time), I noticed that in front of where I park was a large amount of what can only be described as "shredded, wet, used toilet paper". I looked closely to be sure, and then somewhat concerned headed off to the shops intending to talk to our neighbours and landlord upon on my return.

About half an hour later upon my return home I saw one of my neighbours, a sweet girl with a young son. I called her over and asked her "what do you think about this?". As I pointed out the toilet paper to her I looked immediately in front of my car bonnet and saw a large, pale brown, smooth human turd, stool, poo, whatever you prefer to call it. Oh my God, this was just too gross for words. Now I knew for sure that what was outside my front door was human excrement!!!

My neighbour was equally shocked, and then admitted that she had experienced a drainage problem a few days earlier, but the drains had been cleared since and her toilet was no longer blocked, (actually I doubted the turd lurking in front of my car could possibly be a woman's based on the sheer size of it). Whilst we were standing in the communal car park, (along with the offending turd), debating how this could have happened, Annie (the neighbour), decided to call the handyman who works for our landlord. Whilst she was off tracking him down (he too lives on the complex), I carefully negotiated my way around the 'brown' obstacle and headed for our kitchen to unload my shopping. My imagination was already on overdrive as I visualised such horrors as my three cats walking through the excrement before entering the house, possibly even venturing on to our kitchen benches, or even washing their paws before giving me a loving kiss like at least one of them often does.

Several minutes later Annie returned to reassure me that Jason had told her he would call our landlord to get the problem resolved. Unfortunately for poor Annie, as she was telling me this, her mischievous 3 year old little boy thought it would be great fun in his wellington boots to jump in the large puddle of urine and toilet paper (thankfully not the poo itself). The look on her face was priceless as she tried to explain to a three year old what sewage was, and why he should avoid it at all costs. The poor child's face was completely blank, no clue what she was on about, and even she had to see the funny side when it dawned on her a child of that age simply won't see raw sewage as anything other than a new puddle to jump in.

You would think it would get better from then wouldn't you? No, it didn't, and as I sat in the house, watching the daylight gradually fading with no sign of our landlord, in my mind's eye all I could see was this smooth oval brown stool lying prostrate in front of my car. On occasion I found myself drawn to the lounge window to see if it was still there, or if some angel from above, (or my landlord), had kindly removed it from my vicinity. No such luck, each time I looked, there it was, staring at me, daring me to gain the courage to remove it, (even though I had no idea who had originally produced it from their nether regions). I am afraid my stomach was not up to "the job", (literally), so the poo maintained its territory without any interference from me.

As the daylight looked more and more like it was going to vanish with no visit from our landlord I decided to phone the Hubby and warn him to be careful where he was walking when he arrived home in case he trod in anything he would prefer not to. Shortly after this I sent a text message to our landlord asking him if there was any news on the "raw sewage" outside our front door as there was "a large turd" and "loads of loo roll in front of my car". I was pretty shocked to get a text back from him saying this was the first he knew about it. I then sent him a further message explaining the story and telling him to be "careful" where he walked as it "wasn't pretty".

Ultimately I decided to visit my Mum to get away from "Turdsville", and having dodged my way around the polluted area of car park to get into my car (having noted that there was now a small current of sewage trickling down the car park through the gap between my car wheels), I drove to their house with a great sense of relief and the hope that all offensive effluence would have gone by the time I returned home.

Luckily our landlord sent me a text a few hours later to tell me he had cleaned up the mess in the dark, but that he would need to come back in daylight in order to check it was all sorted properly. Much to my intense relief my 'stalker turd'  had gone upon my return home, and it was obvious our landlord had somehow removed the soggy toilet roll and disinfected the area in front of my car parking space.

It does go without saying that I am still avoiding walking where the stream of effluence and the turd were, (just in case of any residue left behind). I did discover that there is actually a manhole cover under the gravel where the sewage was escaping. Most of Guernsey are still on a cesspit system, which means that we have no mains drainage and rely on pits to collect the waste water and sewage. These pits are emptied (at a price), when necessary by sewage trucks, and I can only assume on this occasion the pit had overflowed for some reason or a pipe had blocked somewhere. What I shall never forget is the evil human poo that haunted me throughout today and left me with the same feeling as if I were "being watched" by an alien entity!