How often do you and your partner have sex / make love....... honestly?
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How often do you and your partner have sex with each other, honestly?
What would you consider a normal amount of times for a couple to have sex when in a long term relationship?
How many times do you believe the average couple make love...... once a week, twice a week, once a month?
How often would you like you and your partner to have sex (together)?
All of these are questions that I have been asking myself recently following an interesting conversation I had on the subject with a group of male friends. Apparently it would seem that the amount of times a couple have sexual intercourse varies a whole lot more than I had imagined, and what each individual considers 'normal' also varies widely.
What I discovered after doing some more research, was that age is not necessarily relevant to regularity of sex, and that it is not unusual to find a couple in their seventies enjoying intercourse three or four times a week, or for a couple in their thirties to only have intercourse once a fortnight. Hmmmmmm, I thought, this warrants further investigation.
Now my Husband and I share friendly banter on a regular basis about the frequency we should or shouldn't be having sex. I would be quite happy to settle for sex once a week, whereas he would far rather have sex once a day (or more given half a chance). It can cause problems when each half of the couple have wildly different ideas of how often is 'normal', and therefore whilst one half of the couple may be feeling sexually frustrated, the other half of the couple feels pressured into sex and therefore has trouble becoming aroused. I think of it a bit like being forced to eat chocolate cake, no matter how much you love chocolate cake, you would quickly dread the sight of it if forced to have it on a daily basis.
The conversation I had with the group of male friends resulted in us all comparing how often we had sex with our partners. The results of this comparison were very interesting. One couple were having sex three times a week, another couple were having it about twice a week, whereas the third couple were having it about once every two months. The guy who was only having sex every two months immediately joked that he would have to bring his wife with him next time we all met up as she would never believe that only having sex every two months was not perfectly normal. The guy having sex three times a week was all smiles because he realised he had the best deal of the lot, and my Husband was suddenly awakened to the fact he wasn't doing too badly having sex once or twice a week, after all, he could have been unlucky enough to be guy number 1, one half of couple number three!!!
Now I know an elderly couple who still have sex very frequently, and if it was up to the Husband they would still be indulging in this pastime on a daily basis. The Wife jokes with me that she often pretends to be asleep once she feels him starting to get a bit "friendly" in the mornings. Apparently when she has tried to tell her Husband that he seems to have forgotten they are both in their seventies, his reply is that 'sex is good for you'. Luckily they are very much in love, and though he will sulk for a while when she turns him down, it never lasts for long and they are soon friends again, (although she still threatens to spike his tea with Bromide to calm his urges).
An interesting exercise in getting a better idea of the true average amount of times couples have sex / make love etc, I have added several polls to this article which I hope you will vote on. Who knows, the results may even surprise you too!
How often do you and your partner have sex with each other, honestly?
See results without votingWhat would you consider a normal amount of times for a couple to have sex when in a long term relationship?
See results without votingHow many times do you believe the average couple make love?
See results without votingHow often would you like you and your partner to have sex (together)?
See results without voting
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Thanks Quietnessandtrust. So delighted you enjoyed this hub :) Loved the wise woman quote too!
Sounds like guys are in to sex a lot more than us girls. Even at the age of 70!? LOL I guess its okay for granny to sleep with a teddy bear but not okay if grandpa wants to get jiggy with it.
Too true Mayhmong, even my libido doesn't come close to my Husband's. At least he doesn't fancy my Teddy Bear :)
LOL I think it be safer if he had the teddy bear than some other chick.
Good point, but pity the poor teddy bear :)
Remember "just 5 minutes a day is all we ask"...LOL :-)
"and we will give you 2 hours on Friday night"...LOL :-)
Deal?
LOL, I wish it WAS only 5 mins sometimes Q&T, and on Fridays I prefer to be in the pub (sorry, no deal this time :) :) :) )
Okay, sorry about this, but, whenever possible 4-5+ times per day; and, no, it isn't less than half an hour. My wife usually agrees.
I wonder what "hubby" thinks of you taking the pub over his nakedness. LOLOLOLOLOLOL!!!!! :-0
INTERCOURSE,,,!!!sounds like a golf game on steroids,what a truly UN-sexy word!...i prefer"bumping yum yums", made you smile huh, thats a step towards removing your panties isn't it.humor will get you in every time,huh ladies?...
There really can't be any hard rule on this. There are so many different factors involved in diffrent relationships. I remember at times when my spouse and I were younger where we would go months without sex.
Now that we are in our forties and less stresses we have sex almost on a daily basis and thats after 21 years of marriage. The answer will be different for everyone.
I'm not going to be specific, but once or twice a week doesn't sound like much to me. And 6 times a year doesn't even really seem like a sexual relationship!
We've been together for four years. We have sex about 3 times a week. But we are both very busy. I'm sure it would be more if we both didn't work full time and go to school full time. I think it is something that should always be made a priority. If it was up to me... it would be everyday :) But our schedules don't allow it :(
Interesting feedback from everyone so far. Seems like many of you have, or would like, sex more than twice a week. This is surprising when allegedly the national average is twice a week only. Thanks for all your answers so far. Hopefully we shall get more to get the larger perspective.
Iconoclast, golly, on the days you have sex 5 times a day that means you are having sex for over 2.5 hours in total! How do you find time to do all the daily tasks involved in running a home as well??? :)
Iconoclast, golly, on the days you have sex 5 times a day that means you are having sex for over 2.5 hours in total! How do you find time to do all the daily tasks involved in running a home as well??? :)
8 seconds per week! That's 4 times :)Thanks for checking in with me, Cindy. How the heck are you??
LOL, at least you get time for other things too Joe... pity poor Iconoclast!!
So delighted to see you here. Was getting worried we might never see you again! I am great, but more to the point, how are you????
LOL, at least you get time for other things too Joe... pity poor Iconoclast!!
So delighted to see you here. Was getting worried we might never see you again! I am great, but more to the point, how are you????
Brain pictures are hilarious :)
Love the brains! I am, however, too young to read such things!
Hey - I have good driving skills!
Thanks Wanderlust, I loved the brain pics too :)
Hi Christoph, great to see you here and thanks for commenting :)
Hi Jewels, I have good driving skills too so you are not alone. The images must have been designed by a man :)
I was going to say that Misty but didn't want to sound sexist. What the heck!
LOL, let's all be sexist together :)
OK More than twice..actually alot :0)
we are so well matched and in tune with each other that its not a big issue, it just happens so naturally and spontaneously, I know some couples that plan the night etc i bet they have their funeral clothes picked out as well :0)
Later :0) Guernsey ok cobwebs in brain!!!!!
LOL, not quite at the 'funeral clothes' stage yet, but sometimes vaguely plan the night for sex :)
To be honest, since my hormones started to drop down in the autumn last year, I started to loose interest in sex...at the certain point I even started to feel disgust towards this activity (something like 5 minutes is too much, who would even bother to get undressed because something so boring, etc, etc, plus even the hottest guy in the world would not inspire me to even think about sex)
As soon as I started to realize that this is part of story connected with sex-hormones, and start to treat myself, my attitude towards sex changed. I also prepared to my bf remedies, so we could start to have normal sex-life again. And enjoyable again.
BTW, with 2-3 times per week, I am very satisfied - (this was always my optimum, only in the periods when was enough time and special occasions, more of that was more then OK (sometimes much more!)
Thanks for the input Tatjana. You make a good point that loss of interest in sex can be caused by hormone levels. :)
I want sex more often-on average my husband and I make love 2-3 times per month. It used to be 2-3 times per week, but has rapidly declined over the past year to year and a half. He has been dealing with grief and depression from the loss of his mother last May and subsequently started drinking again after 18 years of sobriety. I believe this has all played a part in our declining sex lives. I am understanding and patient and never demanding. I do hope as he is in recovery that we will increase our sexual activity.
I am so sorry to hear of your problems rsmallory, and I hope your Husband recovers from his depression and grief soon so that your lives can return to normal. I am sure he will get through this, but it will take time.
I don't have experience with this activity. But I'll do as soon as I get married. great topic. thanks for share
does not matter how much food you cook for a man he wants more, does not matter how many times you have sex they want more, I have been worn out all my married life..... men!!!!!
Thanks prasetio, I hope you meet a lovely man to get married to :)
Hi Brenda, loved your comment, so true :)
pity poor Iconoclast? 5+ times a day equals 5+ hours a day, not 2.5+ hours. And yes, it does cut into other things, but it keeps me out of trouble.
Sex is great when you can get it, however all the time is a bit much
I remember a lady lasst year promised her husband sex every day for a year!! as a fortieth birthday present.!!!!
was not me
Jenz
I would be happy doing it every day. Unfortunately that is not possible even with two men! I need to content myself with an average of every second day or so.
Thanks all, great comments and feedback, keep it coming !!!! :)
Whatever keeps you both happy with each other. 2 to 3 enough for us.
I agree with you glendoncaba, thanks for commenting.
omg!!! I like this hub is very funny....
LOL, Thanks Wendy,it was meant to inject a bit of humour into a serious subject.
With my husband's chronic health problems and mine as well, we have to plan a time for sex (not just night, either) when we're both feeling good enough for it. So we don't have intercourse as often as either of us would like, but we find other ways to be intimate. Sex doesn't have to be just intercourse.
Once again, love your sense of humor! And the brain diagrams are priceless, got to share those with my hubby!
Thanks KT, you are right, sex doesn't just have to be intercourse, a good point. Must be difficult for you both being in not ideal health too, (sorry to hear that). Very glad this hub made you laugh as well though :)
Thanks for bringing up an important subject. The polls were interesting. I wonder just how truthful they were. Good info.
Hi Don, I too wonder how truthful most people were, as those who say they have sex more than twice a week seem a little bit unlikely to me unless they are very young, (as in late teens etc).
i actualy enjoyed sex,but now i don't and i an only 25,my husband has managed to make me hate sex.i am so peace of with it.and donot know what to do,we barely have sex once in a month or two.
Hi Mimi, why does your Husband make you hate sex? Is it because he likes things you don't, or do you just not feel attracted to him any more?
Honestly i do have sex daily since my marriage which is 7 months old and i have seen that it has increased the bonding in our relationship.It is one of the manifestation of love to your partner.
Good for you and your partner Tanay, I hope this bonding and regular enjoyment of sex lasts the distance.
Thanks for commenting Kimberly, I shall have to read your hub.
Fun hub Misty! Interesting poll results too.
Thanks Randy, yes, I found the poll results interesting too, and of course they keep changing as this article does get a lot of regular viewings.
I have been married for 9 years and dating the same many for 13 years. We still have a very healthy sex life. I think it's essential for a marriage to have a good sex life.
Hi Mistywild, that is good to hear, although each person's interpretation of a "healthy" sex life seems to vary, but so long as you are both happy that is perfect :)
the thing with the mail and female brain is hilerious sorry cant spell and true in most cases but not in mine. i think i like sex more than my man does. im always asking for it and one night i had to wrestle him to get him. it was fun a new technique to forplay. playing hard to get. :)
~whispers of faith
Hi Whispers of Faith, (great name by the way), your man is a very lucky bloke!. Thanks for posting here :)
My wife and I have sex about once per week - but that's due to the fact that (a) we are both busy and tired midweek so we wait for the Saturday morning lay in and (b) my wife is really quite selfish, unimaginative, inhibited and has hang ups about her body. All of which makes for a very unsatisfying time in bed. I've had a many partners before I married and sex was always better - and usually more like a 3 times per week thing. Don't get me wrong, I love my wife, but unfortunately - in the bedroom it's all a bit flat so I think my point is that there is no "normal" amount of sex in relationships, rather an "average" amount and people would fall above or below the average depending on numerous factors. As for me - I'll continue reading with interest and beat down the pangs of jealousy arising when I read of so many folks enjoy the kinda sex life I wish my wife and I enjoyed.
My wife and I have sex about once per week - but that's due to the fact that (a) we are both busy and tired midweek so we wait for the Saturday morning lay in and (b) my wife is really quite selfish, unimaginative, inhibited and has hang ups about her body. All of which makes for a very unsatisfying time in bed. I've had a many partners before I married and sex was always better - and usually more like a 3 times per week thing. Don't get me wrong, I love my wife, but unfortunately - in the bedroom it's all a bit flat so I think my point is that there is no "normal" amount of sex in relationships, rather an "average" amount and people would fall above or below the average depending on numerous factors. As for me - I'll continue reading with interest and beat down the pangs of jealousy arising when I read of so many folks enjoy the kinda sex life I wish my wife and I enjoyed.
Hi Gsyboi, thanks for sharing this information. I am sure you have a good point about there being only average amounts of sex rather than normal amounts in relationships, but you can still be in love no matter how much or how little sex you get in your relationship.
Hope you keep checking in to see future posts, and watch the poll results above.
Nice topic, i enjoy the pictures and the thought of the topic!!!
having sex with your husband or wife not just doing it for lust you must do it with passion and full of love!!! so instead of calling it sex, why dont you say making love...?
Hi faith_trixzy, I agree it shouldn't be just about lust most definitely, but quite often sex is what couples do rather than making love. The way I see it even in a loving relationship there are times you make love and times you have sex. The making love is the stroking, cuddling, kissing kind of intercourse, the having sex is when the couples indulge in more fantasy type sex, fulfil their more basic sexual needs, dress up, bondage, unusual positions etc.
LOL apart from anything else the word "sex" will pull in more readers than "making love" would.
Great article. Men and women definitely have different libidos. My hubby wants it every day. Nothing wrong with his prostrate. LoL
LOL, thanks for commenting fishtiger58, my Hubby would have it every day too if I let him!!
Fun hub. Chris
Cheers chrismarva, and thanks for joining my fan club too :)
The difference between having sex and making love has nothing to do with the type of sex and everything to do with the feelings involved.
As for me, I'm female, and I'd love to have it every day. While I understand that no one wants chocolate cake every day, there are many different types of cake in the world (if you know what I mean) and I can't imagine getting tired of cake, period! I'm in my mid-30s so it's certainly not a phase. It's just who I am.
Thanks for your comment RD.
Great hub with some interesting facts coming out in the polls.It is amazing that over 30 million men in the USA alone are suffering with impotence. Judging from the answers here, there are 30 million smiling women.
Or men John!!!! LOL, thanks for commenting :)
Every time I have it, it is honestly!
LOL, good reply Logic :)
The topic that gets me is that if sex is important to the other person and that's clear from the start, why bonk them at the start as if sex is important to you too, but really that's going to fade away to your normally considerably lesser labido?
Good point Callan, but it isn't usually as simple as that because both partners feel the same libido at the start of a relationship and often it takes a very long time before this reduces. Unfortunately it seems that often the woman's libido reduces far more rapdily than the man's, and I suspect this is simply a design of nature based on women needing to secure a mate and once secured (especially after reproduction), the brain switches off that button that says sex is necessary as reproduction has been achieved as nature intended.
very interesting !!;)
Thank you sexeducationnow, glad you enjoyed it :)
Hi Misty,
But it's not phrased "My libido doesn't want to", it's phrased "I don't want to". There's an emphasis on the 'you need my consent' that a self willed person gets but a denial of responsiblity a self willed person has to the initial appearance of having matching with something that is important to the guy when it's not the case.
Like ones muscles might not be up to the task of lifting but one can decide to build up muscles with weights, I'm sure libido can be worked on and developed as well. To the exact level the guy wants? No, not at all, this is like haggling - we find a price that's between what both of us want. That's what makes it a relationship - we make something that is of the two of us, not just one of us. But to fold arms and say 'I don't want to..' or 'my libido...' is as bad an expectation as expecting the woman to get to the exact level the guy wants.
Further, I've read (rather sad) accounts of frustrated wives with low libido husbands. This missmatching is happening both ways.
It's a frustrating area.
Hi Callum, it could be phrased this way because a low libido makes you feel like you "don't want to". The words might be different but the meaning is the same. You don't understand why you "don't want it", all you know is that you don't! A libido can be worked on depending on the cause of low libido, i.e. is it due to depression, is it due to a problem in the relationship, is it physical, is it tiredness, is it due to the partner being bad in bed etc etc. Do you see what I mean?
I don't think many people go into a relationship trying to be fraudulent about what they want physically, things sometimes happen that are out of our conscious control, and we aren't psychic so we don't know that we will change in this way until it happens.
What I'm refering to is not just that they don't want to, but they don't want to AND they don't want to look at working on the libido or figuring out if tiredness or depression (or any of the other things you mentioned) are affecting it. It's like if the libido doesn't want sex, the woman doesn't even want to even look at repairing her libido. It's almost a feedback loop 'If I feel like I don't want sex, why would I try and repair my urge to have sex?'. That almost makes crazy sense in why would you try and get something you don't feel like right now?
I don't think people try to be fraudulent going into a relationship. But that doesn't mean the man hasn't essentially been fooled. And I'm refering to the design of nature you mention as the thing that fools him, not the woman (indeed I'm appealing to the woman in saying this).
I think if you side entirely with a flagging libido, you basically are abetting a fraud, though. Whether you intend to or not. (note: partly siding with a flagging libido, fair enough as relationships are negotiation - but siding entirely means not negotiating at all)
Sorry for the long posts. Maybe I should cut and paste my comments into a hub or something...I didn't realise I had so much to say.
LOL, no worries, Callan your posts are welcome no matter how long. (You really could write a hub on this subject you know). You are making very good points and I honestly do see where you are coming from. The very least the woman can do is try to solve the flagging libido problem. :)
I think trying (even if it fails) shows she cares and that's the main thing.
Thanks for the encouragement! I'm writing up a hub now. I wanted to ask where did you get your pictures for this hub?
Look forward to that Hub Callan. As for the pictures, I simply Googled search terms such as sex, couples making love, different libidos, relationships, frigid etc etc.
Now who wouldn't find this hub interesting? Loved the pics (LOL!) and the poll too. I'm like you: happy with once a week, but hubby wants it sooo much more! But then I'd worry, if he didn't either...! ;) Thanks for another great read...!
A woman after my own heart myownworld, I guess I would worry too if my hubby didn't want it at all. Poll results are proving interesting over time though, and this hub still gets loads of traffic. Thanks for commenting :)
my wife is completely disinterested in sex. i am so miserable when it comes to this aspect of our marriage. every time we do have sex i have bring it up because i feel i am about to explode from the anxiety and built-up tension. we have talked about it several times but it always goes back to her thinking she is making a great effort or doing me a favor by "humoring" me. all i want is a normal loving, sex life with my partner that i love so much. is that too much to ask for?
It is never easy in a situation like this "big_problem", and I am no expert on how to solve it. I can only suggest you maybe seek professional counselling from a sex expert who can give you tips on how to approach sex such as starting with several weeks of gentle massages where no sexual organs are touched at all, (therefore removing any pressure to have sex). Have you also considered just showing no interest in sex yourself and waiting to see if your wife's libido kicks in on its own? Perhaps she has a good reason to not want sex, i.e. former abuse, pain during sex, different sexual leanings etc.
What do you consider a "normal" sex life? Is it possible your idea of 'normal' is above average, and by pressuring her to have sex you are actually making it seem like a chore rather than a pleasure?
The bottom line is that if none of above help or apply, then maybe you need to accept she has different needs to you, and perhaps you could negotiate with her the possibility of staying together, but her allowing you to have sex with an outside partner to satisfy your needs. I have heard of this arrangement working between couples where one partner is wheelchair bound and unable to have sex, and the person in the wheelchair suggests this to their partner as a solution. They still love each other, are very happy, and no deceit is necessary in order for the second partner to have their sexual requirements fulfilled.
FYI there are times in a relationship that the woman wants it more. If it was up to me I would wake up with it in the morning and fall asleep by it at night. (I'm just saying)
Hi my husband & I have sex only once a month could be two but very rare. I really don't think it's normal, I feel as if he doesn't wants to have it though he loves me a lot and shows that too but I feel deprived of sex a lot which creates lot of frustration. I have also tried discussing but that doesn't helped much as it ended up in arguments or he took it as a blame or felt bad about it. I only feel bad that even after having such a loving husband why we are not able to enjoy our sex life. He is a busy man, too stressed out with work also, travels too, I dounderstand and give him space for all this but when he is relaxed on weekends even then also he doesn't feels like having it
I am sorry to hear of your problems Senorita, but really you shouldn't worry too much if it is twice a month as for many many couples this is actually the accepted average amount. Have you considered both chatting to a sex therapist about your issues over the quantity (or lack of) sex that you both have?
I want sex with my partner every day he is very sexy and im always all over him problem is hes not the same way and im pregnant also hes on anti-depressents which makes it even worse,i feel like hes not into me as much as he used to be,makes me very insecure...ugh
Sounds like a really complicated situation wanderingsexless. Have you discussed this with your Doctor or even a therapist. They can often come up with some great suggestions for compromises, and even a change of brand of anti-depressents might help the situation.
Timely hub in the times when more and more couples are busy so much with professional activities that they lack the vigour to enjoy sex!!
Hi dreamreachout, good point and thanks for commenting.
I've been living with my current girlfriend for over three years now, we're both college students in our early to mid twenties (23/24). We're both pretty healthy--as healthy as you can be without being a gym addict or a diet nazi--but we only have sex once a month at best, sometimes three months apart. There is also no oral or handsy distractions in between, it's a one time thing that can't last more than thirty minutes including foreplay (hurts her too much after that). I, being the man, at this point am very happy with a even getting some when I do, but as someone who is building his future, I can't help but think ahead. We've had our ups and downs, our dramas (a miscarriage in December and her less than desirable childhood horrors), but somehow we've made it last this long with me only feeling disconnected and wanting, not yet desperate or foolish. But thinking ahead, I can't help but assume I'm on a road toward a midlife crisis with a classic affair because I genuinely feel ignored by my supposed lover.
She doesn't let me touch her hair, doesn't let me rest a hand on her hip or stomach while we lay in bed, won't let me cuddle in the morning due to morning breath, and if I try and touch her softy she shrugs me off, touch her firmly and she says it hurts. She's the kind of girl that will drop her pajama pants in front of you and bend over to pick up her jeans and say, confidently, "Don't get any ideas" every day of the week. She says she finds me attractive, and I know I can't be too bad because plenty of girls on campus and at work try to pursue me. But that isn't enough, I feel disgusting because she covers her nose and mouth if I'm near her (avoiding breath) and she comments frequently about how the smell of sex, in particular the smell of penises--I am already OCD about showering daily and I have a low activity non-sweat inducing lifestyle--revolts her, and coupled to that her shaking me off of her if I try to be affectionate.
So, in short... I don't have sex often at all, and I believe wholeheartedly that this sort of rejection is not healthy or normal.
I agree this does not sound at all normal, and that this either means she really doesn't feel like you are "the one", or she has other issues possibly relating to former abuse etc. It seems to go without saying that this really is an issue best dealt with by an expert counsellor, and perhaps you should broach this subject with her directly. I know this is hard to hear, but maybe she sees you as the "safe" option, yet isn't physically attracted to you, hence the excuses to avoid sex. Just a thought!
I have it whenever my pet goat's in the mood! Baaaaa! It's not all its cracked (ahem) up to be. Howareya, Misty, I just found this amusing hub...Bob
Hi Bob, wow, where've you been, missed you. Love the line about your goat, hope you're joking... right?
Not been on here as much lately as the allotment this year is huge and I have been manically weeding and mulching, so no real time to hub sadly. Should have more time towards the end of the Summer. In the meantime I check in daily to see if I have any comments etc.
Catch up soon.
You lot are so lucky, my man never wants sex, i would be happy with once or twice a week but he obviously is not interested at all. We have been together for 4 yrs and sex has gone from once a week to twice a month and now i am falling out of love with him. I find this life really frustrating. getting too old for the dating game at 44 yrs old, seen a coucilor but he now tells me she put him off. i am slim attractive and bloody unhappy
I am sorry to hear this Katie. Is it possible he has a medical problem, or are there any signs he might be having an affair? Sorry, had to ask although it may simply be he has a very low libido.
Hi Katie,
It's frustrating reading your comments, I am in the opposite position. I can't get my wife interested in sex at all. If I am lucky we make love twice a year :(
To hear of a women not getting what she needs, and me going to waste here, it adds to my frustrations.
Ah well. Deep breath.
yes after three survery and being a marriage and sex counselor for years the average answer was three times a week for both men and women, but a close second for men was as much as their wives wanted too.....lol
Loved your comment Dawn, especially the "as much as their wives wanted to" bit.
My girlfriend of 2 yrs and i have sex once every 2weeks on average. We lead very busy lives but i still would like to have sex a litle more. I'm not really sure how to approach it though. I think if i broached the subject she might get offended.
Hi Richard, I would say that if after 2 years together you still feel unable to talk to your girlfriend about this, something in your relationship is not right. You should be able to talk freely about any concerns in your relationship by now. Whilst I could see that if she were 'bad in bed' this might be a difficult subject to raise without worrying about upsetting her, the problem you are concerned about discussing is perfectly normal and simply requires some communication to establish why you aren't doing 'it' more, be it because she is tired, depressed, bored, not comfortable with your sexual preferences, or you not comfortable with hers etc.
I suggest a quiet night together where you tell her you have something that has been bothering you that you would like to talk about. Maybe a glass of wine or two each would make this easier to discuss with less inhibitions. Tell her 'nicely' what is on your mind and ask her if there is a reason she doesn't want sex more frequently, or if there is something you might be doing that she doesn't like. Tell her you have been worried about asking her this as you love her a lot and didn't want to upset her. Essentially, be honest, as this is always the best way. Couples not talking to each other about concerns or problems usually ends up in a relationship ultimately breaking up.
Good Luck
Well weve been married 43 years and 25 without intimacy and sex. Our relationship is gone out the window. We have become good friends, with our own spaces in the house.
Hi John, well I guess that on the plus side you never split up and are still together in a manner of speaking. It sounds not unlike the situation a partner might find themselves in if the other person had an accident and was left unable to have sex, e.g. due to a paralysis. This might not result in them splitting up as the love would still be there. They might therefore choose to adapt and still stay together without the physical intimacy rather than part company.
Hi , I am 45 & my husband is 63 , we make love every morning & sometimes in the evening or other times if we are alone in a beautiful nature spot. Sex is good for you at all ages & there is no age limit as to when you should stop while you can do it !( except when I have my period )We both enjoy it & also enjoy touching, cuddling in bed.
If partners wont have se or even let them touch them then they shouldnt be surprised if they end up elsewhere as everyone needs affection.Best to try work it out together tho.
Thanks for your feedback freecampingaussie, you sound like you are in a very healthy relationship. I totally agree that there is no age limit to stop having sex.
This is such an important topic! Everyone needs this information! EVERYONE!!
Thanks Asttarte, I believe this information is very useful. Glad you agree :)
Funny stuff!!
Thanks Sweetsusieg, great to see you here :)
Hi. My partner and I have been together almost 4 years now. We really only have sex about every 3 months. We have talked about the fact that I want sex ALOT more often and he isn't really that interested. `
Oops. As I was saying, even though he isn't that interested in intercourse, he has yet to turn down a blowjob. To cope with my frustration I let my fingers do the walking. Takes the edge off and I am not so snappy towards him. When we do have sex it's great and totally satisfying. Every now and again I will jump him leaving him weaving around with a bemused look on his face. All in all, talk things over with your partner and learn to compromise. Give and take, bend a little, whatever you want to say but you need to work it out otherwise it will become an issue with consequences.
Hi Simjax, wow, every three months is a long gap between times, although you don't say how old or young you are. At least you are both still strong together, but it does sound like he might have other issues going on for it to be so long between times. Sounds like a lot more talking between you could reveal something else is bothering him.Hope it works out okay for you in the long run and you aren't just settling for a less than ideal relationship according to your own personal needs.
Been with my man for about 8yrs, he sleeps at my place 5/7 nights, but nevertheless sex is probably once a month or less :( I don't show a lot of interest in sex I admit, but nether does he. What makes me disinterested is his half-arsed effort at arousing me. I haven't got a low libido I regularly take action to satisfy it! I have tried to get him to be more affectionate, like kissing and touching/ stroking me, but his foreplay is terrible and really lazy. He will just lay on his back with an arm flung across me and 'fiddles' around on the 'hot spot' until I start getting sore and then I just want it to end! Hardly romantic! I have asked him to turn onto his side and face me so it is more intimate but he just huffs, stops and then doesn't bother anymore!
On a daily basis we rarely touch, cuddle, or have any kind of affection between us, though I do try to get close to him. Reading some of these replies I feel quite depressed and it makes me question our relationship. If our relationship had affection and was loving, I could live with the rubbish quality sex and lack of it, but I feel I am not getting anything out of it at all and nothing I do makes a difference.
Sorry if my post is a bit long, but it isn't when you think that it describes my entire sex life! lol! I think I should probably move on, but hate the whole dating game, I'm 42, very young looking and attractive, but I just don't fancy dressing up and hitting the town to try and meet someone- I'm not 20 anymore! I just feel really unsure what to do...
Hi Ginaloveshubs, It sounds as if some kind of counselling might help if he is willing to look at it. Marriage guidance counselling can be appropriate even for non-married couples and could help him to see there clearly is a problem, at least from your point of view. Have you tried talking to him about how you feel, and I mean talking away from the bedroom? you could try putting all your thoughts and concerns down in a letter to him, leave it where you know he will find it, and then go away for a day or two so that he has time to read it several times, digest what is in it, and calm down from any initial annoyance, hopefully to talk to you openly when you return. A letter is good because the other person can't interrupt and cant later dispute what you said.
If all else fails have you considered the possibility he may be having an affair. I don't want to depress you further, but often a loss of interest in sex by one party in a relationship can indicate their interests have moved elsewhere!
Assuming al your efforts to get him to listen fail, my advice would be to do exactly what you say you don't want to do. Get dressed up and start going out, but NOT with the sole intention of meeting someone, just to have fun and see what comes along. You are not old at 42, and at 41 I can vouch for that LOL. You will be amazed how quickly you begin to enjoy going out again, feeling glamorous and sexy and having fun flirting and giggling. I would actually advise you do this anyway, as a bit of space in a relationship is healthy, plus it won't do any harm for him to think you might be at risk of meeting a better and more exciting man on your nights out. It will make him try harder to avoid losing you.
Good Luck
My fiancee and I have sex about once a day, sometimes more. I find that I want sex significantly more often than what he does. I see from research that this is somewhat unusual. I love him so much, I want him constantly. What's wrong with me?
LOL! This is so wonderful. Perfect! :)
Hi Britt, I don't think anything is wrong with you. It sounds like you just have a higher than average sex drive, plus you clearly adore him. If you are both happy tehn there is no problem.
Hi Jalapeno10, pleased you liked this and thanks very much for commenting :)
I wish it was more than once a day, but alas. Adored the brains though
Thanks Mimi, sorry to hear that, but glad you liked the brains :)
good
Thanks 'jones david' glad you liked this :)
I liked the article and have enjoyed reading the responses. I have been seeing my girlfriend for around 3 years now and due to us each having kids from prior marriages it works out to where we only get to spend the night with each other once or maybe twice a week(consequently I'd like to be intimate at those times) . In the beginning we used have "sex" 3x week and she would be very into it and sometimes she would initiate. Now, over the past year or so it has gone to more of a once a week(at most and she is not initiating anymore) and most always in the morning(which means it's more of sex than make love). She also feels that I think sex is the most important part of our relationship. I don't think it is necessarily the most important, however, it is a priority to me. We talk about it, however, she can get frustrated a bit. It just seemed when we were having more "sex" our overall relationship was better(in my opinion)...It's new territory for me and I don't quite know how to handle it..
Sorry for the rambling.
I really wish I was an expert in this field John, but I am not. My Hubby and I used to have sex far more frequently than now, and he complains loads about this. I don't feel it is as important as he clearly does. Not saying who is right and who is wrong on this, but clearly both of us feel to a point, that the other is not being fair. Of course the more he complains, the less I want it as I feel pressured, I mostly feel inclined to initiate sex myself if he 'leaves me alone' for a couple of weeks. I am sure my libido would rise for a more regular encounter if this method continued, and then I might instigate it weekly or more. Each couple are different of course, but often pressuring the person only makes it worse.
Have you any reason to think she might have problems with libido that are health related, e.g. depression, thyroid problems etc, as these can severely affect the sex drive of either sex?
Hope this reply might help a little at least.
I tend to crave it more than my boyfriend. We lead fairly busy lives but sometimes, he's just too absorbed with his work.
Thanks for sharing puddingicecream, it is unusual, whilst not impossible, to hear of men having a lower libido than their female partners.
I honestly think it varies within a relationship. Sometimes we can't get enough of each other, some times we go a few weeks. And I LOVE the chocolate cake reference! Feeling obligated is a huge turn off.
Hi Daniellentosz, thanks very much for commenting, and I agree that it varies within a relationship. A lot depends on what else is happening in your lives at the time that may impact on your libido in various ways.
Old thread, but anything about sex is interesting whenever one encounters it! As for the question about what frequency I consider "normal", I voted "other". There's no real "norm for normal" when it comes to these things. Each human being is, thank God, unique... and so is every couple and their sex life.
Thanks for your wise input verduijn. This thread never seems to die, and I guess lie you say, it is probably because anything about sex is interesting, or at least assumed to be.
I love the cartoons!!!
LOL, me too youmeget, thanks for commenting :)
I am wondering how I missed this hub. Amazing and more than anything else it has given me alot of insight for my future life and how women are so miserly in having sex..guess we men want more always..loved the hub...sharing it wid my married friends!!
Cheers jayb23, I think the poll results are proving very enlightening all round. I don't think women intend to be miserly in having sex, they just have different libido levels based on their situations. I guess nature can be much to blame for this, as sex is seen as a means of reproduction in nature, so hormonally things change on an animal level when babies etc come into the loop, or when a relationship feels secure and our instincts tell us the right time of the month to have sex in order to maximise our chances of pregnancy.
Hope your married friends enjoy this too and vote on the polls :)
I'm in a new relationship which started with some passionate love making. Now after having feeling like she I'd just having sex to please me and just lays there wishing I'd come already .
Decided I would wait for her to get Horney and come on to me and initiate sex. It's been 2 days :( I'm laying here with a boner in the morning and when I go to bed. I love this girl . But now it's stuffed. I don't want to have sex with here unless she is into it.
Now I just wank when she goes to work so that ive all ready come when she comes home so I can resist the urge to try force sex on her.
This is why I'm looking at how much is normal. I want sex at least twice a day.
Maybe I need a new lover. :(
Many women have a far lower libido than their partners Tim, and it doesn't mean she loves you any the less, or fancies you less. It is just sex is generally far more important to the man, and love is far more important to the women. Try talking to her about this if it is worrying you, and if you really feel this is something worth splitting up over, it sounds as if you aren't really in love with her anyway and might be better off splitting up! Ask yourself a question, if she had an accident and ended up in a wheelchair unable to ever have sex again, would you still stay with her? The answer to this question is the answer to if you really should split up with her or not.
Good Luck.
we're newly wed and my husband and i kept doing it daily since ur honeymoon (except for my period days) we both like it anyway, but im afraid he might get tired of doing it ... will he?
Hi XJ, not knowing your Husband I can't answer that, but in my experience it is usually the women who start to lose interest first, (but not always). Newly weds are likely to do it far more often than a couple who have been together some time.
Congratulations on your marriage :)
I'M 22 AND I GOT MARRIED AT 21 JUST COMING OUT OF MY LITTLE FUN YEARS KNOWING IT WAS GOING TO BE THE SAME AND AT FIRST IT WAS SHE COULDN'T HELP IT.IT WAS LIKE THERE WAS A MAGNETIC FORCE IN I WAS LOVING IT.THEN WE MOVED TOGETHER AND AT FIRST I WAS REALLY LIKE ITS JUST A FAZE BUT NOW ITS BEEN THE SAME THING FOR ALMOST A WHOLE YEAR I DONT REALLY KNOW WHAT TO DO NOT AT ALL BECAUSE I LOVE HER BUT I HAVE NEEDS JUST LIKE SHE DOES
I don't really follow what you are saying is the problem BG, your words do not make it clear and I can only assume you are saying the sex has reduced now you live together and you are not happy about it! Trouble is things sexually frequently slow right down when a couple move in together or get married. That is just a fact of life, and you cannot expect things to stay the same forever as the initial 'excitement' of a new relationship is bound to dim slightly as time goes on. Even people who are married and have had affairs they have left their Husband or Wife for, usually find out the same pattern applies once the affair becomes a long term, living together kind of relationship. It is just a fact of life, with a few rare exceptions.
I have lots of problems with marrage, I am not sure if it is my wife or myself. I want it a lot more but I have not got it for about 2 years now. My wife does not want to talk about it and I dont see it changing. It is only getting worse. I believe a man and a woman should have affection for each other, and there should be a lot more communication.
It does sound like there is a problem there John, as 2 years by anyone's standards is a very long time. It might be time to suggest you attend some kind of counseling,be it marriage guidance counseling or sexual counseling. If your wife isn't willing or comfortable talking to you about it why don't you try sending her a letter instead. This way she can digest what it says in private, and she may possibly find it easier to respond the same way.
;lksd
Hi, I feel like my man is not into me anymore. We rarely make love anymore like we used too. We used to make love about 4 times a week 2 twice a day. But now it is like once every 2 months. I know we have a kid, but when i try to mess with him or turn him on. He refuses by saying i'm not in the mood, or i don't feel like it. And it hurts me cause he makes me feel like i'm not pretty. I don't know what to do anymore. When i rub his back or do something for him. I never get massages or anything from him. I need some advice and bad. My friends have told me if i am not happy then end it.
It sounds like you need marriage guidance counseling, but first you need to talk to him about how sad he is making you and try to get him to tell you what is wrong. If necessary you must insist that you want the counseling. If he still refuses then maybe you could move out for a few weeks to give him time to think about if he misses you and how much he does or doesn't need you around. At least this way he may agree to go to the counseling with you. If nothing changes you might seriously want to consider if there is a future for your relationship.
it is clear by the percentage of people having sex once a day and the percentage of people who "want" to have sex once a day do not jive. This tells me one thing...the people who want to have sex are scouring the internet(just like me) for reasons our partners don't want to have sex, data on what the "norm" is, etc.....sad for us who have partners who don't want to have sex with us....in this, everyone eventually loses. The feeling of loss of intimacy will drive the relationships into the ground...not where I want to be in a relationship.
It is sad if your partner doesn't want to have sex at all chickie, and usually there is an underlying problem if this is the case. This doesn't mean it has to 'drive the relationship into the ground' though, as the underlying cause may be fixable, e.g. if the cause of the loss if libido is due to depression, pain during sex, marital problems that could be resolved with counseling etc.
Good point Callan, but it isn't usually as simple as that because both partners feel the same libido at the start of a relationship and often it takes a very long time before this reduces. Unfortunately it seems that often the woman's libido reduces far more rapdily than the man's, and I suspect this is simply a design of nature based on women needing to secure a mate and once secured (especially after reproduction), the brain switches off that button that says sex is necessary as reproduction has been achieved as nature intended.
Maybe the reason that womens libido's decline more rapidly than mens is because, in long term relationships, we are working, doing the majority of the housework, the majority of the child rearing...exhaustion and WTF arn;t you men doing your fair share with everything. We want as much sex as you, just with the bloke who gets the kids up half the mornings, does the dishes without being asked, remembers our birthdays and doesn;t think his 40 hours in the office are more than your 40 hours in the office.
A superb comment CountryGirl. I think you made some excellent points. Thanks for posting :)
Ok where do I begin. At first my sex drive use to be crazy, as in wanting sex until my penis would hurt or be tired of having it, but now I find myself struggling to want it at all. I've been with my girlfriend for almost 4 years now and I can tell this is affecting our relationship, or should I say it already has. She cheated on me emotionally with some guy over the internet a few months ago. When I found out about it I of course broke up with her just to get back with her 3 weeks later. We talked about the whole thing and she said she was just looking for attention bc I wasn't giving her any, which was understandable. I then told her I wasn't giving her sexual attention bc she made me feel sexually inadequate by playing with her vibrator instead of me, and comparing me sexually to her friends boyfriend. She would occasionally say she wondered if I could do what he could do. There were other things too but in a nutshell I felt like a loser and didn't want to have sex or anything near it. Our problem was we didn't communicate, we realized this after the breakup and decided to give it another shot. Anyways we get back together and sex was once again great. I was at peace with the affair and other things so I felt comfortable enough to performance, even though I felt she still doubted my performance. Days go by and I find out that she tried to talk to the guy again before we got back together. This through me off bc I was told it was nothing, she was basically using him for attention and nothing more, but I then find out this and a few days prior to me catching her talking to the guy the video chatted. The thing the blew my mind about this was that it the video chat happened right after she finally told me she felt like she was losing me, and I of course tried to fix things while she rejected my attempts. Basically I find out that she lied to me again, in that she actually desired the guy and possibly more than me. This whole thing caused my sex drive to plummet, even though we worked it out again, I just can't get myself in the mood. I try to act as if im over that whole thing bc I don't want to get into it or anything else again. Its a big problem for me and it only get s bigger, bc either I don't want to have sex or I force myself to and end up embarrassing myself. I fear this will ultimately lead to the end of our relationship bc if things don't change she will without a doubt cheat again, but this time she'll probably sleep with another guy, and there isn't going to be a second chance of any type when something like that happens. I feel like im an emotional wreck Amd I don't known what to do.
Oh I forgot to add that due to my situation we only have sex like once a week or two, and that's bc I force myself to do that, which also adds to the list of failed performances. I can tell she is getting a bit frustrated from this too, though she'll never come out and say it unless she has to bc she feels she's protecting my feelings. All I want to do is let this go and please my girl how I use to, and how any man wants to please their girl. I want to have raw passionate sex with her again as much as we can handle but I simply can't bring myself to it. Everytime I try nothing but bad thoughts rush into my head and heart. Its annoying me and making me feel even less of a man.
Hi ExtraMan,
Clearly your situation is very complicated, and I would strongly suggest Marriage Guidance Counseling (you don't have to be married) or even a sex therapist, either of whom you can discuss your thoughts, feelings, relationship issues with etc. The fact your girlfriend tries to protect your feelings shows she does still care about you and is not a nasty person. You say she 'tried to talk to the guy again before you got back together', which indicates she may have been feeling very low and lonely as you two had split, and therefore she tried to reach out for some kind of comfort. This is not like her sneaking off to make contact with him after you two got back together, you had at that point in time effectively split up. If she really wanted to be with him she would not have got back together with you, so she has apparently made her choice, and that is you.
If having sex is becoming so stressful for you there are things you can try, e.g. change the locations you have sex in, give each other a massage with body oils and take it very slow, (no pressure), have a romantic break overnight or over a weekend somewhere. One thing I have heard sex therapists recommend is to spend several weeks deliberately agreeing NOT to have sex, but instead just give each other loving massages etc without touching any sexual parts of the body. I believe the theory behind this is that after several weeks of caressing and massaging each others naked bodies without being 'allowed' to have sex, both partners will be desperate to have sex when they are permitted to do so again.
Of course one of the most important things you need to do is talk to her about how you are thinking and feeling, not just bottle it up. Write it in a letter to her if you find that easier, then she can reassure you and tell you exactly how she is feeling. This is also where counseling would be beneficial.
Good Luck and I hope you manage to resolve things.
Lol!
Me and my partner have been together just over a year...when we first met it was twice everyday..Now she hasnt touched me for nearly 4 months...all in all id say we've probaby had sex about 3-4 times in 2011. She says this is normal but looking on this website it doesnt seem like it is....we're only 24/26 years old and its frustrating me so much. It would be more bareable if she was affectionate, buy theres just nothing there, no intimicy at all. It feels like were just close friends sometimes. I could understand if i was an asshole...but i do so much for her to make her feel loved she just doesnt seem to return it :(
That sounds like a big problem EmKay, and no, once every four months is definitely not normal. I would recommend you show her this website so she can see the poll and the answers on it, then I would suggest counseling. You also need to rule out the possibility she is having an affair, although I hope that is not the case. It is possible her feelings for you have changed to those of a friend. I know someone whose first marriage broke down for that very reason, and they are still friends to this day. The other possibilities are she suffers from a condition like depression that can lower libido considerably.
I really wish you good luck in resolving this, and if you can't, I suggest you consider parting company with her and loving on to a new life where you can meet someone with a higher sex drive.
Please help me. I am in a relationship where not only is sex expected EVERY day several times. He will get mad and act like I have rejected him personally if I turn him down after 3 times that day. Am I wrong to think a man getting that much sex should be grateful? I am starting to resent even the thought of him touching me. I'm scared to hug or kiss because I know it will either lead to sex or a fight. IS THIS NORMAL ON ANY PLANET? Or am I being treated like a sex slave instead of a human being? Looking for both male and female answers here.
Hi Donnaalexander, well in my honest opinion you ARE being treated like a 'Sex Slave', and you need to make a stand or walk away. Sex should be a natural spontaneous activity in relationships, not something you feel obliged to do in order to avoid a fight! He needs help as he appears to be a 'sex addict' (Google it), and you need to either get him to seek help for this, or get out of the relationship.
I wish you the very best of luck.
I ENJOY THE SEX, BUT THE PROBLEM IS DUE TO
INCREASE PRESSURE IN THE WORK, FOR BOTH OF US
WE NORMALLY HAVE SEX TWICE IN A WEEK. I FEEL
THRICE IN A WEEK IS GOOD.BOTTOM LINE IS BOTH
SHOULD EQUALLY ENJOY THE SEX, EVEN IF IT IS
ONCE,TWICE,THRICE OR DAILY IN AWEEK.
I find it the more a do weights and eat right the more sexually active I get, I exercise to keep fit and healthy, I also eat right because I think it just makes logical sense to treat your body with all the vitamins needed. I guess my sex drive is high, I can easily have sex 3+ times a day each day. with maybe 1 day rest in a week. I love making love to my girlfriend but sometimes I just want sex.
I am 24 and my partner is 37 of age. We've been together for only 3yrs and we have sex twice a week..I really wanna have sex with him all the time. I am in a good mood after having sex and very depressed when I dont have in a week.. We have a 1yr old baby but I have slim body and I know that I am sexy. I don't know whats wrong....
We have sex once a day or once every other day, and sometimes we have sex twice in one day. When we were first together, we'd have sex up to four times in a day - no joke - and I wish we had fewer obligations now like we did then so we could keep up with that!
it is good to have twice a week u feel the closeness and affection
i have had sex 8 times a day is it normal, on daily basis we are having sex 2 to 3 times a day, will this effect our health, shall we continue with this or reduce it?? we are not planning for a child right now.
some times i feel like my thigh muscles are paining but my wife is very fresh and she always wants me to do more, our average period of sex is atleast 15 minutes after the intercourse.
Hi John,
I cannot see any reason why having sex as often as you like with your Wife will do any harm to either of you, so my advice is go with whatever makes you both happy. All that is important is that one partner does not start to feel like they can't say 'no' in case it upsets the other person. It sounds like you are both a well matched couple, so continue to enjoy your sex life :)
i like sex all time one day 2 time?
hey love the page but i have an issue i am 23 and a single mother of 2 boys just come out of an 10 year relationship and new to the out side world but my point is i would not like to have sex with my x no more then like once a week and if it was more then that i just gave in to make him happy but since i am out of that and on my own i want to have sex like 2 to 3 times a week and dont have any one to share it with i guess the ? is way from going to not wanting it at all to wanting it 2 to 3 times a week and i have come to learn that all i was doing with my x is just having sex not making love so needless to say i dont know what that feels like my be one day i will thank you for the sight least now i know i am not the only one the an issue
No worries misty1988, I am glad this site was of use to you :)
Why is it then that my husbend doesnt want it?
I am 24, I am tall and fit, I have been getting asked out several times by my colleages, so I would consider myself pretty attractive.
But we rarely have sex. Even if we do have (like once every month), its me who starts it. Why ?
I can't answer this Pure. Only your Husband knows the answer to this, and clearly he isn't telling you the reason 'Why'. It might not be because he doesn't find you attractive, after all he married you in the first place, so he must have found you attractive I assume. There can be many reasons why one half of a partnership lose interest in sex, e.g. depression, physical pain during sex, trouble becoming aroused, having an affair, tiredness, stress, worries (such as financial pressures) etc etc. The only way you are likely to find out what the problem is would be by talking to him, and if necessary persuading him to attend counseling sessions with you. If you are uncomfortable approaching him about this try putting your thoughts and feelings into a letter and leave it for him where he can find it, read it and digest it in private, before then responding to it.
I hope this helps and wish you luck.
Thank you for your quick reply, I would try the letter strategy, Hope I would get some answer.
Thank you for your great website, it is really helpful, please keep it going :)
You are welcome Pure, good luck, and don't worry, I will keep this site / article going in the hope it helps may people.
Well I think the appreciation part is the one that hit me most - sometimes Wifes do not realise that Men need to be appreciated and loved - and need to be told and show that their wifes want to have sex with them - men do want to see their wifes enjoy the moment - I personally am not into qwickies and am more aroused when I see my wife enjoying sex - but from what I hear from some men - some wifes sometimes do not participate - although they might be there in person ..they are miles away thinking of the next thing they have to do....well I really want to see my wife happy or my mood changes
Thanks for sharing your thoughts and feelings here Steve.
I just feel like giving up. She won't do it, talk about it or even acknowledge a problem. As long as she is taking and not giving she's happy. I love her and she loves me but I'm only 31 and after 7 years of trying to get any kind of consistent sexual relationship I think I might give up! It would be ok if she'd just manage once every three months. It's beyond funny. Maybe she only loves my mind and not my body (I'm not ugly or fat)
I just feel like giving up. She won't do it, talk about it or even acknowledge a problem. As long as she is taking and not giving she's happy. I love her and she loves me but I'm only 31 and after 7 years of trying to get any kind of consistent sexual relationship I think I might give up! It would be ok if she'd just manage once every three months. It's beyond funny. Maybe she only loves my mind and not my body (I'm not ugly or fat)
That sounds really difficult to deal with Craig. You should consider talking to her about Marriage Guidance Counseling (you don't need to be married), or some kind of sexual counseling. You might also try writing to her (if you feel awkward about discussing this with her face to face) and telling her how you are thinking and feeling. She may have other issues going on that she is uncomfortable talking about with you, but the only way forward, whatever the problem, is for you two to start talking properly, whatever it takes!
Good Luck
Unfortunately I am not your usual man. I try and talk things through and beg her to consider talking to a professional. Thanks for the advice but maybe she doesn't want me. I'm worried about starting again but I suppose it's time to bite the bullet and move on :-(. As nice as she is I can't cope anymore and can't cheat on her. Just let this be a lesson to all men when selecting a partner. You can't base a relationship on friendship without sex and visa versa. I wish I lived in a society where I could keep her and get one that isn't broken! I just wish moving on would be easier, can't afford rent on my own and all my family have emigrated.
Surely it is worth talking to her further about this Craig as it sounds as if you do truly love her. She may have an underlying condition such as depression that causes her to have a very low sex drive, and this could be treated potentially with counseling or even anti-depressants. Maybe she finds some aspect of sex painful. There are so many possibilities. Perhaps at worst you could have a 'break' from the relationship and go and stay with friends for a week or two. This would give both of you a chance to think things over, and in her case she might then agree to attending counseling because she misses you and doesn't want to lose you.
Honestly, she sounds like a lucky woman to have found such a caring man, and one who won't cheat on her. You never know, she might even give you the option to have sex outside of the marriage rather than lose you altogether, (this does often happen in marriages where one partner simply doesn't want sex to be a part of their life).
i know how you feel craig, i,m a female and have been married 2 1/2 years,, i,ve had every excuse in the bloody book as to why he dont want sex, tired, its too late, i cant take the day off, hedaches, backache, toothache and even arseache (joke) i,ve had sex 26 times in 3 years,, i,ve talked till i,m blue in the face but it dont get me anywhere, there are no babies in the house,, young kids yes, we both work but as soon as he walk,s in he,s tired i,ve tried most things but i think there comes a point where you have to admitt defeat and say i,m sick of degrading myself, whats the point of looking and feeling sexy when no one wants you because they are tired, look if someone,s hungry they eat, the same if the are thirsty they get a drink, no matter how tired they are! this is my second time married first man could,nt keep his tool in his pants more so with other females and now this!!!!! what did i do wrong in my last life?????????????
That sounds so frustrating 'married single parent', if you can't get him to counselling it does sound as if you have not many options left other than to leave him. Perhaps one day you and Craig should meet up!! Sounds like you would have a lot to talk about, and who knows what the future might hold.....
what if it was the other way round and it was the male who didnt want to have sex very often?? im 27 and my boyfriend is 34 we rarely have sex and im worried its not normal or sumat maybe up, i think i have an average sex drive.. when confronted and asked why he doesnt have sex with me often he replys with im not a highly sexual person?? if anyone can give advice this would be nice
This has come up a number of times in the comments section missy, so it seems to be a common problem. My advice is the same in these cases, get him to attend counselling with you if at all possible, and/or try the methods of having sessions where you just stroke and caress each other's bodies (avoiding sexual organs) without having sex for an agreed period of time e.g. a month. Hopefully the pressure being 'off' so to speak, will encourage a return of the other partner's sex drive.
Much though I hate to say it though, there is always the possibility that a partner who seems to have totally lost interest in sex with you could be having an affair.
In our case, its reverse, I want to do it more than once a day where as he doesn't want it much at all. Its so frustrating.
Hi Cherry, this situation does happen too, although I guess more than once day is a fairly high demand level unless the relationship is very new. You don't say how often he wants it, so it is hard to judge if he has a low sex drive, or just lower than yours. Is there not a compromise you could come to?
i only had sex twice this year.whats wrong wit that?
That all depends on if you are single or in a relationship schicole, and if you and your partner share the same libido levels. It might not be a problem!
i am lucky if its once a month
That is a shame b, I hope it becomes more regular soon.
Hey ive been dating my bf 4 3 years now and sometimes i wish we can just stop having sex i think is to much i think i must tel him that we must limit and before i hate my self i think we must stop
Hi Innocentia, the best bet is always to talk things through before you begin to dread having it altogether, and possible even begin to resent having it. If you explain to him gently that you still want to make love and you do still find him sexy, but you want it to be a little less often, he should understand.
Sex sex and sex this is the right way of living rest is bullshit
LOL, interesting thoughts Munchen!
I started dating my BF a year and a half ago. For the first six months there was no sex in th realtionship. He would push me away from him. He soon got checked out to find that he has a hormone problem and started taking medication for it. He was a great guy so I decided to give it a fair shot. The medication has definately helped. We just got back from vacation went to europe for 10 days. Had sex twice on vacation. I am am not if this is normal. I question myself if I will be able to last if we get married. I crave having sex but he turns me down 90 percent of the time, saying he is to tired. Any advise?
Hi Zebronics, well twice in 10 days is not terribly low, although this could be higher than normal because you were both more relaxed on vacation. I am guessing that your own libdo levels would drop to some degree once you were married as this is pretty normal. I am also guessing part of the reason you are craving sex so much is because he turns you down 90% of the time, and we all tend to want what we can't have more. If he is truly tired all the time you could try giving him some high energy foods, suggesting a few early nights etc, but all in all if his problem is hormonal this may not help. Perhaps the Doctor could increase the level of medication and see if that makes any difference. If none of these suggestions work, then you seriously have to ask yourself if you should stay in the relationship if you are going to be unable to cope with his low sex drive. There is a serious risk you will end up miserable and frustrated if you do.
Thank you for your prompt reply
I am in a new relationship and she drives me wild, im so physically attracted to her, her personality, her eyes that she literally gives me what i want because she wants it equally, i bet if you remember the spark and the attraction you might have forgotten about that you too will get "lucky" or make love more often.
Hi Mike, I don't know if you are young or old, therefore I have no idea if this is your first serious relationship or not, but certainly if it were possible to remember the spark and attraction we all had when we first got together with a partner, we would probably all make love more often. The reality in most cases is that the novelty wears off, reality sets in, e.g. one partner snores, gains a load of weight, spends more time with their mates than their partner, farts in bed, pays the other partner little attention, becomes less adventurous in the bedroom etc etc. Another thing that happens is children come along, she is tired all the time, can't go out with her man to party any more, he spends more time in the pub etc etc.
Bottom line, new relationships are more exciting, you are both on an adrenalin high that cannot last for years because of outside influences. Sooner or later things tend to calm down, and the whole 'swinging from the chandeliers' thing becomes just too much like hard work. This does not mean you stop loving each other, it is just you start to relax into the relationship. At this point the 'need' for sex daily, or even twice weekly usually drops off considerably (more so for women in general).
I hate that my boyfriend only lasts a minute. So much so that I hate sex and I dread it. Not that I force myself to do it much but he tries his hardest
when my partner and i met,we were like rabbits,now after 12years together i`m lucky if i get it once every six months,she is never in the mood at night but talks openly to other people about sex and how horney she is but when it comes down to it,she backs away..
Hi Starving, there are things he can do to help with this problem, such as certain creams etc that will reduce the sensitivity. He also needs to practice stopping before he climaxes, then thinking about mundane things like chores he needs to complete in the garden etc. Essentially, distract himself from what he is doing. I am sure a sex therapist would have lots more suggestions too.
Hi Stuart, I wonder if there is more going on here than meets the eye. For instance is she just talking openly about sex to other people because this is her way of covering up for the fact she is actually struggling with it in reality? Is she suffering from depression which can lower libido? Is she finding sex painful for some reason? Perhaps you need to try spicing things up a little by taking her away for a romantic weekend, or introducing some massage oil into the bedroom department, try making love in different places to normal, on the lounge carpet for instance. It might be that she just doesn't feel turned on by the way sex is right now, but this doesn't mean this can't be changed. If all else fails, and you have tried talking to her about this, then I suggest seeing a sex therapist or a marriage guidance counsellor.
Good Luck
I tried to read all the Posts but there are so many. But unfortunately my husband and I have been together 9 years and for about 2 of them the sex life was good. Now it's down to 1 every 5 months if that... The sad thing is we work from home you would think there would be more fun times in the bedroom. I just don't know what to do... Very discouraged!!!!
What a difficult situation to be in Not Happy. Perhaps you need a break together away from the home. There are definitely potential problems that arise when the home is also your workplace as it is very hard to 'switch off' at the end of the working day, and subconsciously you are still 'at work'.
Have you tried talking to him about this, or writing him a letter if talking is too awkward? There may be something else going on like impotence problems, over-tiredness etc.
You could try good old fashioned seduction, dressing up as a surprise for him, fluffy handcuffs, romantic dinner for two by candlelight in your living room etc.
If all else fails I would suggest you go to marriage guidance counselling or a sex therapist for further help.
I really wish you luck.
Once per week is low for younger people. Living in the channel islands, your doctor may want you to take a little more vitamin D. :)
LOL bgamall, actually the Channel Islands are far warmer and sunnier than the UK mainland, so Vitamin D is not usually required as a supplement :D
Hi, thanks for all the info! But I do have a situation, I'm 21 just got married almost a year ago. My husband and I ofcourse had intercourse much more in the start of our relationship, but now it's once a week or less . I could personally have sex every day, I love him more than anything and he has been thru alot due to his time in the army. But I hate feeling unwanted and like I'm pressuring him to do something that I thought most men wanted ALOT of. I just feel like its backwards. He tells me it's just not something he thinks about like I do. Coming from a sexually active relationship past. I'm not sure of the best ways to be the anniciator or how to compromise. It makes me feel abnormal l wish it was the other way around or that I didn't feel this way and we were on more common ground. Thanks for your posts everyone!
Firstly relax Tabby, don't take this personally. You may be confusing his lack of interest in sex with being a problem with you, but after what he has been through he probably sees sex as not nearly as important as civilian men might do. Don't forget he probably got used to going long periods of time without it, and having it 'on tap' might take some adapting to.
You are still only 21, so young, and as time goes on you will realise that sex, whilst being important, is not the priority in a relationship. Be patient with him, don't pressure him and relax. The more you put pressure on him, the less he will want it, and this is not personal, it is just the way of life, i.e. the 'chocolate cake' scenario, force feed someone enough of it and they will actively rebel against eating it.
If all else fails you could try a sexual therapist or a marriage guidance counsellor assuming your Husband agrees to this.
Also, try doing a bit of online research to see if this is a common problem amongst ex-military personnel.
myh husband and i do it 3 timesn a week unlike before almost everyday and asking for more so we do it more than once a day but now because we are both tired from work when we got home only twice a week or 3 maximum but it depends..after all sex is not all that matter but it is one of the fundamental factors of a good relationship having good sex partnership especially for husband and wife couple...he is the one who often times initiated i rem i only asked 3 times to have sex with him we are married now for 2 years and hoping to have more years to come..forever..but to tell you honestly i can't tell my husband that i want it now..i don't know what moves to do to make him feel i want it not just like kissing him..or wearing sexy dress..he sometimes numb..i don't know but i want him to always feel wanted...if i were to ask i want it to be everyday...cheers hehe
what i need to know is if its a bad thing that my girlfriend only wud like ta have sex once or twice or week,she says she dont b in the mood sumtime she jus wants to cuddle,she is wan have sex wen she feels she is really horny,now am positive she isnt havin sex with any1,is it bad that she isnt hot up for it?i is tel her i feel she doesnt enjoy it she said it isnt true
Hi Kitty,
Firstly no, there is nothing wrong if she only wants to cuddle, and once or twice a week is a perfectly normal amount of times to make love in a relationship. If you pressure her into more than she wants she will end up not wanting it at all.
Secondly, I had to delete your second comment as it was far too graphic for this sites Terms and Conditions. Essentially what you described would indicate she is enjoying it or at least in the mood. If she is not as you described she may not have been completely in the mood, or felt pressured into making love to stop you taking offence that she had said no. Alternatively she could just be tired and prefer a cuddle.
Ok i understand that because there are times when i feel she is jus doin it for me so i dont feel offended,she probaly would go a week the most without having sex but she seems very happy,i feel like this relationship really based on more than jus sex and i kno thats a good thing,she explains to me that she wants to be really in the mood like she have to have it for her to have sex other then that she loves to jus chill and cuddle.i jus really hated to think all this is because am not pleasing her
yes there is more than meets the eye,my gf does have pain during sex but never gets any pain during the day or when she`s drunk,every night is the same,pain.pain and more pain,she had a operation 2yrs ago to put her colostom back also to repair multiple hernias,but she has been given the all clear from her gp,its the same old story day in day out,she says that men can do without sex just as much as women can,which i find untrue but still she never lets me have sex,even when i d.i.y it she complains...at a loose end here now.
Hi Stuart, this confirms she found sex painful in the past and can't get over the fear it might hurt even now. Alcohol can remove this fear, (unless what you are saying is she doesn't feel pain when she has sex during the day). I feel men need sex more than women do, and whilst this is not fair, it is unavoidable for the most part. Are you quite sure all is well elsewhere in the relationship? Is it at all possible you have drifted apart or she has met someone else? Certainly from what you describe I would suggest marriage guidance counseling if she won't talk at length with you about this.
I BELIEVE THAT HAVING SEX COMES WITH THE MODE AND THERE SHOULD NOT BE A RESTRICTION TO IT
This wall of posts is fascinating. I stayed up like all night last night reading it, starting from 2 years ago. Thanks Misty.
Have you given any consideration on gay and lesbian relationships with respect to normal frequency and/or how it may or may not vary from our straight counterparts? My boyfriend of two years and I are both on antidepressants, so I feel that both our libidos are diminished; but sometimes I wonder if it's just that I love him as a person (so much!) but I am not that sexually attracted to him. We have sex, on average every two weeks. I was able to become aroused more often and more intensely when we had broken up for a time with some guys I dated. But this could be due to the newness of those relationships or simply that I had better chemistry with them? Which leads me to my eternal question... what is a real loving relationship? Is it one in which each partner unconditionally holds the other at the hightest of esteem and close to each other's hearts? Or is it one which consists of great sex, which seems kind of selfish in a way? I feel like Carrie Bradshaw...
Hi Boreal, good questions, and I can certainly see how antidepressants can lower the libido, so if both halves of the couple are on them it would probably result in very little sex. However, if both partners are content with this then it shouldn't be a problem, unless the couple are trying for a baby of course.
When I wrote this article I assumed gay and straight couples would comment and/or vote in the polls, but it is impossible to know if their answers would differ without running a separate poll just for gay couples (which is always an option I guess).
As to your final question, well, I don't really have the answer, probably because this may be different from person to person and couple to couple. Some will say they love their partner without a need for sex, others will say it is an essential part of a relationship. I suppose I always think, 'What if my partner ended up paralised, and possibly unable to make love with me ever again? Would I still love him and stay with him if we could no longer have sex?'. My answer to this has always been, 'Of course I would still love him and stay with him, as the love is more important than the sex to me'.
LOL re-Carrie Bradshaw comment too. I think we all kind of crave 'great sex', and it is wonderful and exciting, but when you settle into a serious relationship the need for this does usually drop as you become accustomed to being a couple and the adrenalin rush slows down :)
my husband never wanst to have sex and it causes a lot of discord in our relationship. He will not allow me to initiate nor wants me to dress up or anything. it makes me feel like i am this monstrosity. we go through months where he will not touch me in any way, he basically treats me like a maid/nanny. Im not fat, not ugly I cook clean wash amd meet all of his needs. i have never had a man NOT want to have sex. when we do have sex its very predictable and stale. I have tried to ask him if there is anything else he wants to try and he just shuts me out. yet he watches porn, he REFUSES to watch with m,im open to anything. i am at the end of my rope and i dont want to cheat on him. i have tried to talk about it without being a nag, but he gets very nasty and tells me "if you dont like it theres the door" ot my favorite" "my mother never was like this with my father". mind you his mother is a 75 yr old sicilian woman. i dont know what else to do. i cry every day and i feel like a loser who cant make a man attracted to me...
I hate to say this Dana, but it sounds to me like your best bet would be to head out that door, and find a man who will appreciate you for the warm, loving and sensual woman you clearly are. I know I am only hearing one person's account of your marriage, but already I find myself disliking your Husband for the way he treats and speaks to you. This is way bigger than just an issue over how often you have sex by the sounds of things.
There is always a slight possibility he has a problem physically such as impotence, but is too uncomfortable to talk about it. Watching porn alone could be his way of testing to see if he can become aroused physically, but it would be embarrassing if he failed to when you were there.
I would be insisting on marriage counseling personally, he sounds like he is purely a selfish pig who totally takes you for granted. If he won't consider counseling then leave him, period, now or as soon as possible.
I really wish you good luck and hope you can escape this situation and be happy with a 'real man'.
see the thing is how she dont give me enough sex makes me think she dont love me anymore,i am constantly accusing her of cheating,this girl lives wit me if shene to work she to work with me or home with me she dont go nowhere she dont b online she dont b txtn round me but i still cant trus her and its pushin her away,she is get so fed up but she seems to love me so much cuz she cant go.she tel me if she really is cheatin den y is she dealin wit all dis stress she wuda jus gone,she is beggin me to change.i is get mad over alot,like if i c ha luk at sum1 if she take long ta cum by my wrk from catchin bus.i have no evidence am jus assumin.help me plz am i over reactin?does it seem like she really isnt doin anythin?dis grl really cnt leave me.we bin goin fa a year now
Hi Kats,
Having a lower sex drive than you does not mean she doesn't love you, and if she was seeing someone else and preferred them to you don't you think she would go off and be with them if that were the case? The poor girl is probably too scared to go anywhere or go online etc, because if she did you would accuse her of cheating even more. Jealousy and distrust in relationships never ends well, and all you are succeeding in doing is driving her away. I am speaking from experience, I spent three years in a relationship like this, only in my case his jealousy got so out of hand he was hitting me on a regular basis. I was doing nothing wrong and had never been unfaithful to him, yet he would accuse me of all sorts of things, and I too could not even smile at a member of the opposite sex without him accusing me of fancying them. I felt suffocated and oppressed, totally miserable and depressed as a result. If she is feeling like this it is hardly any wonder she isn't feeling like sex, and clearly you are treating sex as a balm for your own insecurities and a measure of her feelings for you. This is not what sex is. Sex is an act of love between two people, or at worst an act of passion between two people who purely fancy each other. It is not something you treat as proof someone loves you or is not being unfaithful.
I dumped the bloke who treated me with total jealousy all the time. It took me three years of being unfairly accused, abused, slagged off to other people and being lied about. I gave him numerous 'last chances', but after 3 years nothing had changed, so after one final 'last chance' was broken, I dumped him. He begged, pleaded and cried for me to take him back, but it was too late, and I never did. When he continued to pursue me I threatened to report him to the Police, then he left me alone.
It sounds to me like you are heading for the same end result. You are not in love, you are insecure, jealous and obsessive.
Sorry to be blunt, but I have seen and experienced this before, and if I am wrong, prove me so by changing the way you are treating this poor girl.
i am not like that at all,i feel like cuz i was hurt so much i cant trust as much as i want,but it was never like dis with any1 else jus her cuz i scared i gyn lose ha.she wants me ta go ta a therapist if i cant change but i am tryin,only thing keep going through my head is that mayb she is rite she probaly woulda dun leave me for dis person if there was sum1 else there cuz all i doin is stressin ha out but she love me so much she waitin for me to change she say shene leavin me cuz she dont wan no1 else
Well if you are not like that Kats I really suggest you listen to her and do see a therapist about why you are getting these feelings. You need to deal with them now and stop accusing her of stuff she isn't doing. You will lose her otherwise, and permanently. If another girl let you down in the past and left you insecure then blame that girl, but don't judge your current girlfriend by the same standards. If you do, your ex has done you more damage than you realise, and is actually mucking up your life and future relationships. Jealousy does destroy relationships. When I dumped my ex it was partly because not only had I finally had enough, but the weekend before I finally ended it for good I did go out on a date with another man, (I was at the end of my tether and was being accused of being unfaithful anyway so had nothing to lose). This other man treated me properly, opened car doors for me, was totally respectful, and generally treated me like a lady. I suddenly thought, 'Why the hell have I been putting up with all that crap from Steve when I could have been with a man like this'. Nothing happened between us other than the date until after I finally dumped my jealous and abusive boyfriend, but I went on to ultimately marry the new man some years later. Sadly he died three years after we were married, but he treated me so well and never failed to trust me and never behaved in a jealous manner. I was never unfaithful to him, and never would have been, nor did I fail to trust him in return.
I urge you to take action now if you don't want to lose her in the same way my ex-boyfriend did me. You are more alike than you realise.
the difference is i am not abusive at all i dont even talk bad to her i treat her very well my only flaw is accusing,i am more good to her i jus sumtimes accuse.she told me lastnite am a great parter to her,say am really sweet n everythin,dats probaly y she stil here.i kno she could get fed up if i dont stop but honestly am really good to her and she kno how much i love her i treat her like she is my queen.i dont hit her or verbal abuse
Well that is a good sign Kats, but I still think some kind of therapist could help you to understand why you struggle so much to trust her and yet love her deeply. If you can learn to trust her and allow her the freedom to go out without fear of accusations then there is hope for your long term future. In the meantime if you feel tempted to accuse her of cheating, stop yourself and remind yourself that you know she isn't being unfaithful in reality and that you don't want to lose her. I would also encourage her to go out and enjoy herself with her own friends, (not necessarily with you there as well). This will stop her resenting you later on if she has not been going out for fear of being accused of all sorts when she returned home.
Good Luck and I hope you can learn to trust her whatever it takes :)
thank u i will do just that
You are welcome :)
Married 26 years. DW (darling wife) and I have intercourse approximately 8 times per week, usually six days per week, up to three times per day on weekend days. When I come home at night, she usually has already arrived home and changed clothes, and is wearing just a shirt (as if it were a short dress or nightgown), usually with panties, but sometimes without panties. It is a wide variety of types of shirts, often white, button-up, cotton shirts, with several buttons on the top and bottom not buttoned. Sometimes it is a thin, white, cotton T-shirt. Other times, it is a white, cotton slip, with spaghetti straps. Still other times, it is short, white, cotton nightgowns, with spaghetti straps. She is perhaps the hottest, most beautiful DW ever, and looks stunning in white, with her long, straight, thick, dark brown hair. After intercourse, and after a short break, she will often finish up a few last tasks around the house, still completely nude. She likes for me to watch. She loves it when I hold her tight while she falls asleep, naked.
Sounds like you are a very lucky man anonymous01. I am sure many of the men here will envy you :)
interesting read, thanks peeps. My issue is that although i am by no means a sex pest i would like it once a week/fortnight would be nice. However its usually me that makes the moves unless hes drunk and im lucky to get it once amonth. he doesnt ever compliment me, but when enquired says he thinks im sexy but does not show it at all, and says that he just doesnt want it as often as me :/ i know he rarely masterbates and find this a bit odd. and when i put sexy nighties on he never blinks an eye, and the other day i put some nice lingerie on and he huffed and said he didnt like it..i was to say a little put out, but bit my tongue nevertheless. When I come onto him most the time i am turned away. He talks the talk and walks the walk when hes with his mates but thats where it seems to stop. what am i meant to do and what is his problem????
sorry forgot to add, i am 30 and so is he. he has no impotence problems, but if he wakes up with a hard on i dont know about it. he wont give/receive massage of any type either and i have to ask him to put his arms round me in the evenings, i have left it two weeks, came on to him slightly in a kind of joking way, yesterday and got ignored. He says he is not having an affair. when i talk i get blagged with being unreasonable. i booked a luxury apartment with a balcolny with sea view,next to the sea last week for a night and and went to bed and slept.,.i am fed up with waiting for him to come onto me but i dont want to be with anyone else
Hi Jane, I am so sad to hear of your situation. It really is heartbreaking to have so much love and affection towards a partner, and them not reciprocate in the same way. I can only say what I would do in this situation, and that would be to initially write him a letter that I had spent a load of time on, explaining in detail how this was making me feel, and suggesting that marriage counseling might be a good option. I would say that his reactions to my efforts to 'talk about this' were not helping, and that this was making me miserable. I would hope this would make him sit up and take my feelings more seriously, but if not I would try to shock him into action by 'leaving' for a few days or even a week or two. Hopefully he would at least be more willing to talk after this. I have to say I personally would not rule out the possibility he is being unfaithful based on what you have said here.
I hope this helps, but if everything fails you are still young enough to meet someone else eventually even if you don't feel this is what you want right now.
hi whats your name on fb or email addy so i can talk to u personal please
Hi kats, I am afraid I don't really use FB for social interaction, and in general don't give out my email address. If you want to ask me a private question, then there is a contact envelope incon below my profile picture at the top of this page on the right.
I had to delete your second comment because it was a bit too graphic in description and might have caused a problem with this sites rules. My answer to it though would be that not all women have to have an orgasm to enjoy the whole experience. It might surprise you to know that many women go through their entire lives unable to have orgasms at all, or not without a lot of difficulty, yet they still have very fulfilling sex lives. I think most men or women will admit that occasionally for no reason known to them, they just can't manage one. From how you described the situation I would have no worries that she was still enjoying herself and this was just one of those occasions.
Me & my boyfriend have sex like 3 times a day sometimes more. I think it keeps us close & more in love then ever. Is this healthy?
Well Nikki, there is nothing wrong with this at all. You don't say how long you have been together, but if it is under a year or so I would say this is not surprising, but it is very likely it will naturally reduce the longer you stay together. There is nothing wrong with this either, it is just a level of 'action' most relationships are unable to maintain when they become more long term. This again is not a reason to assume the relationship is deteriorating, just that you are relaxing into being together without the need to make love three times a day.
I am 56 and my wife is 55, and I try to do it every other day. She is pretty good about this, but would cut it down if I did not mind. But I do need it as often as possible. We are semi retired and don't have a lot to do so sex fills the void. I do love her and am turned on by her, so why not do it as often as we can while we can? Personally I love it
Hi Peter, if you are both happy there is nothing wrong with it at all, and it is so nice to hear you are so very much in love with each other. I suppose if 'she would cut it down if you did not mind', it may indicate that sometimes she is going along with it more for your sake than because she wants to make love. Perhaps a small compromise might be to have one week where you make love at your level of libido, and then alternate this with a week where you make love at her level of libido. This way both of you get the ideal situation for you every alternate week. Just an idea :)
hi i want to kno how is it possible for me to go longer in bed...i sometimes get weak in the legs to he point where i cant keep going.so it causes my girlfriend to miss out on an orgasm beacause i stopped.would vitamins help or exercising my legs?
Hi Kats, I doubt vitamins will help all that much in this case. If you feel the strength in your legs is an issue, then I would suggest trying different positions that require less effort from your legs, e.g. swap places with her so her legs are doing the work instead. There are lots of positions you can make love in that require far less strain on your leg muscles.
Exercise might help build up your leg muscles too.
its a certain position she likes most of the time which is the back on,she looks like she wants me doing all the work.so i want to keep her happy but i is run out of energy at times or my legs wud get tired,sometimes i wud go long enuff to make her have an orgasm but i want her to have multiple you see what am saying
Kats, not all women can have 'multiples', in fact probably the majority of women can't, so don't make life too difficult for yourself or put pressure on her to 'have them' in order not to make you feel insecure.
We are kind of drifting off the topic of this article now, so it might be better if we get back on topic.
i guess it does make me feel more secure,but it has happen before i guess its jus one of them times when am full of energy but times when i jus cant go on longer
Well we have been together for a year now but known each other since we was 13 & 14 & have had relations since 17 & 18. Lol. Btw we are 24 & 25 now. Is nothin healthy tho? & can u lose a considerable amount of weight from having sex? I've lost almost 40 lbs since we got together & haven't changed my diet or exercises.
Well Nikki, it is still early days and no doubt your love life and its frequency will settle down in time. You may have known him longer than a year, but you need to judge this based on the length of time you have been an intimate couple. You can burn off a load of calories from having sex, and at the rate you are having it I am not surprised you have lost a load of weight. So long as your weight is healthy I would not worry, and so long as you are both happy I would not worry either. An active love life will not be unhealthy for either of you. My advice is to enjoy it and not be concerned unless one of you feels a need to chill out a little more and reduce the frequency of sex between you. At that point you might want to talk about it together in order to avoid the other person feeling insecure or rejected in any way.
As someone earlier said, one or twice a week is not very often but every day might be pushing it. And then there is my eighty year old mother (married to the same person for 60) who recently said out of the blue, "If a couple is not having sex at least once every week, there is a problem with the marriage." I didn't press her or my dad for details on that one.
It's so funny to hear all the men say they want it. And all the ladies say they do not. With my hubby and I it is the other way around. We have sex.... maybe once every other week. If that some times. I can not tell you the last time he has tried to start it. We use to have sex more but I got tired of always being the one trying to start it. Always me going the extra mile. And still most of the time he responed I'm tired or I do not feel good. Idk what to do. When we first got together he was all over me every chance he got... I just do not get why that has changed so much in 4 years.
LOL Steve, isn't it funny how people find it odd to imagine the older generations are still having sex, yet there is no good reason why they shouldn't. I guess it is always odd if we imagine our parents doing it though :)
Hi IWISH, it is certainly more unusual for it to be the man who wants it less than the woman. Maybe he just has a low libido, and as you said you have been together four years I am not totally surprised it isn't still happening at the rate it did four years earlier. Have you talked to him about this and how it makes you feel? I know this may seem like an obvious question, but you would be surprised how many couples feel awkward talking about these things, even though they are happy to go through the act itself, which is the height of intimacy. Perhaps a marriage guidance or sex counselor might be worth talking to as a couple if he agrees. There may also be something medical going on like depression, impotence etc that is causing the lack of libido on his part so you could encourage him to consult his Doctor too.
Good Luck.
I've been married now for nearly 14 years (we're in our late 30's), and I just do not want sex with my wife at all anymore. I love her to bits and tell her so on a regular basis. We enjoy each others' company, have a laugh together, have great holidays togther and so on but I feel absolutely no sexual attraction for her anymore.
We have talked about it openly and she says she understands but I'm increasingly feeling guilty about it.
My libido is not dead as I am still attracted to other ladies although I have never actually strayed, nor indeed would I wish to do so.
My concious is starting to dicatate that this is not a normal situation and that regardless of our love and respect for each other, a relationship that has no sex, as opposed to one that just has very little, is no longer viable in the long term.
Is this normal do you think or would you agree that there is something fundamentally wrong and that, realistically, we should consider separation?
Hi Daved, this sounds almost as if you have fallen out of love with your wife, even though you still love her as a best friend. Strangely enough this happened to someone else I knew, and ultimately they did get divorced, but stayed good friends with each other.
In your situation (or hers), I would be inclined to get marriage guidance counseling in order to determine if there are other underlying issues, or if you both agree that you no longer feel the depth of love for each other that you used to and there is no going back. Counselors tend to know the right questions to ask, and make you think about things that may not have occurred to you.
The fact you do find other other women attractive does seem to indicate that maybe your relationship has gone a bit stale, and I am guessing in time you would feel an urge to stray, even if right now you have no desire to. Certainly the future of a relationship with no sex at all is doubtful unless your wife felt exactly the same about you, in which case I suppose you might both agree to have sex outside of the marriage with other partners, whilst staying together as a non-intimate couple. The risk with this would be that sooner or later one of you might actually fall in love with one of the lovers, and then your marriage would most likely come to an end regardless.
Crazy suggestion now, but have you considered becoming 'swingers', so you can have sex with other people, but secure in the knowledge you always go home together? I know this works well for lots of couples, but some also find the whole idea very distasteful.
Sorry I can't allow your comment lilcourtney2424 because it is too graphic in description for this site's TOS. To answer your question, every woman is different and some women might find that too sensitive and therefore painful. Why don't you ask her if it is hurting her or just too sensitive as she is the one person who can answer this?
it was a time when she did like it now its jus 2 sensitive,this is what she really likes but am not sure if she lovin it as much as she is sayin.i want to b able to satisfy her fully when doin dis
This is why you need to talk to her properly and make sure she is happy. Just reassure her that you don't mind if she wants to point how you could improve your technique.
I've been married 4 times... all four times we stopped having sex... I love sex, they did too at the beginning.. Mistake.. I should never have married them... marriage and all its constructs kills sex... keep it simple.
Interesting thoughts sex single, but is it also possible that the sex would have stopped anyway even if you had just lived together? Just a thought, but only one you can answer if you put it to the test.
i sat down and talked to her and she let me know its really to sensitive but she loves the sex,we are livin at home with my folks so she let me know she cant act out as much as i want,i think thats why i is think she dont like it.but let me know that if she didnt like it she would have guide me through it and show me what she likes but she said aint nothing to show me cuz am doin it write.i dont know why sometimes i think she just dont wan hurt my feelings,its bin a year now and she still here so i guess she have to be happy.
Hi lil C, sounds to me like you have no worries, and nor does she. Relax, enjoy your relationship and stop feeling insecure. It is nice that you are so concerned about her, and that you will go the extra mile to try to keep her happy. It seems that she is happy, and therefore you should be too :)
Hey everyone.I am 27.It was so useful reading your comments, very interseting and helpful. Thank you all. I am married for abt 2 years and it seems that my husband kind of lost the interest in sex, befor we had sex twice or thrice a week now it's coming to once a week or what. I am worried abt this face and don want it. He is still veeery caring and loves me very much , it's not the point of having some other girl , I am sure, maybe he is kind of tired or what , don know. I would like our sex life to be more active and nice. Anyone with the same experinece.??
Hi Anna, he may just be very relaxed in the relationship and secure enough not to feel it is as essential to make love as frequently as in the early days. Like you said he could also be tired, perhaps to the nature of his work. You could try spicing things up a little by instigating it yourself (a lot of men do find it a bit tedious if it is always them who instigate sex). It is amazing what results you might get out of wearing some sexy lingerie or creating a romantic night in with candles, a meal and a bottle of wine etc. If all else fails you should try talking to him in order to be sure nothing is wrong and get his reassurances that you should not be worried about this.
I like having sex every day but my girlfriend doesn't so I just let it be but get very up set when we don't have sex for two weeks then bang its all over in few minutes because if I have sex heaps I last longer and longer but if I don't its only few minutes then she up set because of that so I try to **** much as i can but now I'm over ******* and want sex I miss having sex with my girlfriend and when first met we were like rabbits at it all the time now its once a fortnight if I'm lucky what am I doing wrong I fore play heaps before sex and after sex but she say I make her feel like s**t after we have sex ??? now thats just confuse hell out me because I do play with her and use ***** after sex to make her cilmax again and again while having me in side of her which she likes and enjoys but now we don't even do that I am scared and worried my girlfriend is losing all interest in sex with me I need that spark back again so we can have fire works again please help me any one any idea's......
I had to edit your comment 'horny man', as it was a bit too graphic in some of the terms used and could have breached the TOS of Hubpages.
It sounds to me like you need to actually talk to her about why she says you make her feel like s**t after sex. Talking can solve a load of problems. Another thing you might want to try is not just having 'sex', but 'making love'. It is all very well using toys, exploring fetishes and all the other things people do, but every now and again a woman wants to feel loved, not just a sex object. Try a romantic approach for a change, (candlelight dinner for two,rose petals on the bed, scented bubble baths, massage etc) and then make love the old fashioned way. Cuddle and hold her afterwards and tell her you love her. That might be what she wants more of in the relationship now you have been together for a while.
Me and my partner have sex every night.We love eachother so much and i could not resist when he touche me.Its been more than 2 months since we are in relation.But we wonder is it ok to have sex every night?Are we going to get bored of sex after a months?But there is so much intensity,romance and passion when we make love.So i don't think we are able to not to make love every night.But i was thinking may be we should have sex only twice or thrice in a week!So we can keep the level of intensity and romance high.
Hi Farid, I think you are worrying too much and should just let nature take its course. You will probably find that the amount of times you both want sex reduces as time goes on, but this is normal, and usually happens to some degree with all couples, even those who were only making love a couple of times a week in the first place. I don't think it reduces because the couples 'get bored' of it. It is more because they relax into the relationship side of things like getting to know each other, getting frustrated with each others bad or annoying habits, working out the day to day practical chores that need to be done etc. Once a couple are used to each other and secure in the relationship, the need for frequent sex reduces. I am not sure you can do anything that will change this, in the same way as you can't maintain that 'butterflies in the stomach' feeling that you used to get when he or she phoned you or you were due to meet up. This wears off too, but it doesn't make the relationship any less loving.
Thanks a lot for great advice,you are right its just its my first relation so i get worried about loosing him or loosing his interest in me.
But you are right so i am going to listen you.
did u get my post?
Hi lil c, yep, you will only see the posts once I approve them, and I just checked in, so I saw both your posts. Unfortunately I had to delete the first one because you were rather too graphic for Hubpages TOS, but I have read it and think you have nothing to worry about. Basically yes, if she is as you described you ARE doing a good job and have nothing to be concerned over. Chill out and enjoy your relationship for what it is.... successful and healthy.
Hi again Farid, the first relationship is always the one we worry about most, but trust me when I say this is unlikely to be the last relationship you have in your lifetime, and only in very few cases is your first true love your one and only! Right now this probably seems unbelievable, and it is not impossible you will be together forever (this happens too), but in most cases we think they are the one and only, things go wrong, and we might go through several or more relationships before we settle down with Mr or Mrs Right. I wish you well for a long time together, but if in the long term it doesn't work out, it is unlikely to be because of sex, and more likely to be because you are probably both young and still in the adventurous phase of exploring love, sex and relationships.
ok thank u
i ave a boyfriend that i truly love but he's afraid to tell me that he loves me
Hi Shanaj, don't worry about this. Boys are notoriously bad at telling girls they love them, and seem scared to do so in case it makes them more vulnerable or even weak (goodness knows why they think this). If he does love you he will tell you when he feels ready to, and if he doesn't, either you or him will move on into another relationship where you both feel the same way about your new partner.
I hope i am not bothering you with my comments,its just i want to know more.I have decided to move with him so i am leaving my home very soon and going to live with him.I am so nervous.I love him a lot thats true.He is 45 and i am 22.But we have such a strong bond.I met so many guys in my life but non of them able to reach my heart.But when i met it took few days to fell in love.we have huge age difference,but the chemistry,romance and intensity is so strong and great.He cares about me a lot just like i cares him.But he has executive income and i am just a student who does not make a single penny.Its makes me uncomfortable to see the difference.Do you think this relation can work very well?I know you can't predict the future just an idea !
I feel bad for my fiance. We have been together nearly 3 years and have 3 children aged 4 and under. We have sex every day, usually twice but i find if we dont then he gets very arsey with me and if its ever more than a few days he gets immensely stroppy. I had a miscarriage a few months back and have suffered from postnatal depression and I really want to get my libido back but i find he has become quite a selfish lover and I rarely orgasm now. At first he was bad in bed but i guess i taught him how to do it right for me and it was great for a while but he's back to being bad in bed again. I prefer to go one on one as guaranteed satisfaction. I do love being close to him though.
Hi Farid, my advice on this is to be very careful before you take such a huge step. I am very familiar with age gaps in relationships, my Father was 20+ years older than my Mother, and my own first true love (who turned out to be a total bastard by the way) was 18 years older than me. My late Husband was 15 years older than me. Now only in the last case did it work out well. My Mother essentially ended up being a full time nurse to a sickly and bad tempered grumpy man, who in many ways stole the best years of her life. He certainly was not a loving Father, and the generation gap being so huge meant he was treating us in a 'Children should be seen and not heard' kind of way.
My first true love was 35 when I met him, and I was 17. He seemed so nice, so complimentary and so interested in me. I fell for him hook line and sinker, only later finding out he was married, and clearly having some kind of marital 'itch', and feeling a need to prove he could still 'pull the girls'. He dumped me after a brief fling and his mid life crisis was temporarily satisfied. Later on he did go on to have other affairs, and did leave his Wife. Years later I foolishly met up with him again after my late Husband died. I got together with him as a couple and we moved to Tenerife. I believed he had changed, and he was very loving. It is a horrible story though, and he hadn't changed, was still having affairs, left behind a pregnant ex girlfriend when he met me again and turned out to be a control freak who was again, clearly having a mid life crisis, just in his late forties now. He ended up stabbing someone in Tenerife and trying to strangle our dog. Ultimately he dumped me and move on again. The full story you can find if you click on this link http://mistyhorizon2003.hubpages.com/hub/My-Ex-was
Now your chap may prove to be the nicest older guy in the world, and you could be soul mates for life, but there is also a risk that he is at the classic age to have a 'mid life crisis' of his own, and could be flattered that he has captured the heart of a 22 year old girl (which is not to say if you got to 35 and were still with him he might not go looking for another 22 year old to make him feel young again). He is also probably enjoying the fact that you have a young unblemished body (no children so no stretch marks etc). The problems tend to begin when you live together and realise that as the totally romantic side begins to slow down, you are left with very little to talk about. He has decades more life experience than you, and there is risk right now that you could quickly run out of conversation, (marriages or relationships cannot survive on romance and sex alone). Think about the other potential problems here: Your friends will have nothing in common with each other as his will be mature adults, and yours will be young people, this can be tricky on social occasions. What about if you want children? Do you think it is fair that when the child reaches their 18th Birthday their Father could be 64 years old, and that is assuming you got pregnant almost immediately! Come to that what about you! In twenty years from now you would still only be 42, but he would an old man of 65, and could suffer from health issues, and may not have the interest or the energy levels to do things you want to do as a much younger person (whether he is healthy or not). You might not find it quite so appealing to have sex with a man who is now an old man, whilst you are seeing guys all around you in your own age group that have fit muscular bodies that you find more attractive. I could go on, but I think you get the point!
So to sum up, my advice is that no matter how nice he is, I would not expect the relationship to be likely to succeed in the long run for all the reasons I have pointed out. It is not impossible it will work, but you might have to make some big sacrifices, and I suspect you would regret the relationship choice you made when you moved in with him, settled down and then reality kicks in. That said, I know from my own experience I ignored all similar advice given to me when in a similar situation, and whilst I now wish I had listened, at the time I was determined to try and make it work anyway. Unless you are a stronger person than I was, I suspect you will do the same. Do me one favour though, don't push what I have said out of your mind because it isn't what you wanted to hear. Think hard about each and every point I have made, and read my other article that I linked to.
Good Luck with whatever you decide.
Hi Fairlydesperateforabreak, I agree your Husband sounds selfish, and expecting sex daily, twice or more is unreasonable. Apart from anything else he isn't even bothered if you enjoy it when it happens!! Is he a very insecure person, as it sounds to me like he needs you to have sex so often in order to prove you still want him and are not likely to go elsewhere?
Personally I would seriously be considering leaving a man who was treating me the way you describe in your comment. Assuming this is not something you want to do, I think you need to sit him down and have a proper talk to him about all of your concerns and how you are feeling since the miscarriage. I would also tell him you feel he is being very selfish expecting you to carry on having sex at such a ridiculous level of frequency, especially when he can't even be bothered to make an effort to ensure it is good for you. You might also want to look at getting him to attend some marriage guidance counseling, or see a sex counselor with you. If he refuses tell him you will go alone anyway, (and do it, as they may well offer you some very useful advice on how to deal with your situation).
Good Luck and I hope you can resolve this.
Thank you for your reply. I think you are right and he is insecure. I have done everything I can to make him feel loved and secure, even having a child with him, giving up my horses as they took up too much of my time. I think we do need to talk and then take it from there. If i have given everything i have and more and he feels insecure then obviously something isnt right. I would love to be enjoying the sex but it is definitely quality and not quantity.
I have to say that once you start giving up things e.g. your horses, for a man like this in order to avoid him feeling insecure, then it does not bode well for the future of your relationship, and it won't be long before you start resenting him and it eats away at the relationship. The same will apply with him demanding constant, crappy quality, sex. One other strong piece of advice I would give you right now is to get yourself on birth control, as if this relationship fails you don't want to have yet another young child to be worrying about, as well as the responsibility for the three you already have. The relationship as it is is not a healthy one, and bringing more children in a fragile situation is not only unfair on them, but is also adding further pressure to the relationship. Another thought, but how long before he starts to get jealous that the children are taking up too much of your time, leaving not enough time for him!
Hey thanks a lot for sharing your experience,But one thing you did not get is that its a homosexual case.But i believe same rules applies to it too i guess.But its a bit different from straight people,but i,ll keep your advice in my mind
Sorry about that Farid, didn't realise, but as you say, same rules usually largely apply. We are all humans with human natures at the end of the day, and the age gap is still a big one, and a risk you are taking at a very young age. Why do you have to move in with him so soon, can't you wait six months and see if you are both still getting on as well as you do now? In the meantime you could experience spending time with each others friends, colleagues etc, and generally getting past the 'all romantic stage' and seeing if you can still interact on the same level and not run out of conversation and things in common to do (outside of sex). I do have a number of gay friend couples, but none of them with an age gap as large as the one you are contemplating taking a risk on!
My wife and I have sex 2-4 times a day and our relationship is incredibly satisfying, both physically and emotionally. We have two kids, and it isn't always easy, but we make the effort and find the time. She instigates it just as much as I do and I think that is the key. We have had sex at least 1,000 times this past year and not only has it improved our health, but we are more in love than we have ever been and we have an incredible amount of patience for one another. She is the most amazing woman that I have ever met and I cannot imagine life without her. Contrary to what many people may think, increasing frequency enhances desire. It just takes a few weeks of dedicated effort to get into the swing of things and then everything else falls into place. We have an incredible marriage with incredible sex that gets better every day. I am truly surprised that there are not more couples who have discovered the secret to drastically improving their relationships.
Thanks for sharing your experiences 'Amazing Marriage', your situation is extraordinary and whilst marriages like this do happen, they are pretty rare as you have probably long since realised. I guess one thing you need to consider is that not all couples would experience increased desire as a result of increased frequency, and this is proven by the fact that at the start of most relationships couples DO have sex very frequently, yet the desire of one partner, the other, or both, still tails off to a level where less sex is required in order to be satisfied. It sounds to me like you have won the 'virtual' lottery, and actually found a wife who is essentially your absolute and ideal mate, (something very few find even if they are in very happy relationships). I am pleased for you and hope you have many happy years together.
Yes you are right i am taking a risk but believe me i would not do that if i had a choice i am going through really tough time these days so i need him and he is taking care of me so well.He is supporting me the every way he can.I know but living together is a big thing.Lets just hope it,ll turn out to be so great.Hope is all i have now! thanks a lot for your advice i really got to learn something thanks once again
Well good luck Farid, you can always give it a try, and hopefully if it doesn't work out for any reason it will be within a few years so you are still young enough to meet someone in your own age group. I hope it does work out for you though.
I am closing comments on this article (for now at least), in order to allow me more time for writing further articles. I hope you all enjoyed this article and have voted in the polls to help with the overall research results.
Thanks for reading.
quietnessandtrust 2 years ago
Misty that was to funny...the last part with the brains...LOL!!!
I once heard a wise woman say this. "If you have 'some sort of sex' with your husband very often....then you raise the odds that he will 'make love to you'...more often"
Get it??? Good hub.