Hilarious Quotes from Qantas Airline's Gripe Sheets

After flights Qantas Airline pilots have to fill out a form called a 'Gripe Sheet' which tells the mechanics of any problems with the aircraft. The mechanics then correct the problem before adding their solutions to the sheet, and then the pilots review the gripe sheet before their next flight.

The ground crews obviously have a great sense of humour as reflected in their gripe sheet comments and solutions.

The quotes in this hub are not new to the Internet, but I am sure not everyone here on hubpages will have seen them before, and they are well worth reading for the laughter factor. I take no credit for this hub as I simply copied the content to spread the laughs further.

For ease of reading I have referred to the pilots by the letter 'P', and the mechanic's solutions with the letter 'S'.

Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident!

P) Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.

S) Almost replaced left inside main tire.

*****

P) Test flight ok, except auto-land very rough.

S) Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

*****

P) Something loose in cockpit.

S) Something tightened in cockpit.

*****

P) Dead bugs on windshield.

S) Live bugs on back-order.

*****

P) Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.

S) Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

*****

P) Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.

S) Evidence removed.

*****

P) DME volume unbelievably loud.

S) DME volume set to more believable level.

*****

P) Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.

S) That's what they're for.

*****

P) IFF inoperative.

S) IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

*****

P) Suspected crack in windscreen.

S) Suspect you're right.

*****

P) Number 3 engine missing.

S) Engine found on right wing after brief search.

*****

P) Aircraft handles funny.

S) Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

*****

P) Target radar hums.

S) Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

*****

P) Mouse in cockpit.

S) Cat installed.

*****

P) Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.

S) Took hammer away from midget.

*****