Can a relationship work without you being in love?

Lone Ranger 5 months ago

Interesting topic, Misty, and well written!

Yes, it is true, the Lone Ranger knows a thing or two about love and has even been "in love", once or twice if memory serves.

Misty, you brought up a lot of good points and I agree with all of them. In fact, studies have shown that cultures where arranged marriages are practiced are less likely to end in divorce and they are less likely to experience the broken-home syndrome that has come to typify those cultures who marry for "love".

One needs to consider that love is a fickle emotion; one that can cease to exist, grow in strength, or change direction as easily as the wind. Therefore, one must nurture love on a consistent and continual basis for it to grow into maturity, in grace and in beauty.

I believe many people place too much stock in the temporary chemical release of Dopamine into the blood stream when they think they are "in love". Most people don't even know about its existence, but it's there.

Research has shown that Dopamine, which is also known as the "love drug", is present for up to four years in any given relationship, but can subside even sooner depending upon circumstances. This chemical makes one's heart beat faster, causes one's pupils to dialate, and makes one feel like they are walking on sunshine whenever the object of affection is near.

Now, it's important to note that at some point Dopamine will cease to be delivered into the blood stream which is commonplace between 2-4 years after a relationship begins. It is, however, no coincidence that many relationships end at about the same time the chemical release runs its course.

It is also at this juncture in a relationship where married couples often claim that the "honeymoon is over". Unfortunately, when Dopamine ceases to be released, many people think that something is wrong with their relationship because they no longer feel the high of being in love, hence they tend to think that changing partners is the solution.

I believe it is fair to say that relationships will not make one happy. No, let me rephrase that: Relationships will give one a temporary boost in "hapiness", but anywhere from 2-4 years later, that chemical kick usually disappears completely and the individual is back where they started before the relationship began in terms of psychological and emotional aptitude.

This is to say that if one is a happy person before they get married, then most likely one will remain that way even after the Dopamine has subsided. Conversely, if a person is not a relatively happy individual by nature, they will typically return to a psychological and emotional base-line in short order after experiencing a temporary spike in "happiness" while the drug persisted.

What this means is that people who marry for love had better know themselves even better than the person they intend to marry. And, what people need to realize is whatever baggage they take into a relationship will still remain with them and it's not right to think that just because one doesn't feel the high of being in love any longer, that something is wrong with them, their spouse, or their marriage.

It's also true that some people mistake the effects of Dopamine for being in love and when it wears off they cannot believe what they were thinking. So, one had better marry a good person because after the love drug has worn off...you still have something to work with and something to be thankful for.

So, it is of utmost importance to be quite selective in the marriage game and not let the effects of Dopamine lead you astray. Emotions come and go, but good judgment must always have a place of honor at one's table.

My take on this issue is that The Almighty gave us Dopamine to help us bond quicker with our prospective spouse and to help facilitate the transition from oneness into the warmth and security of togetherness.

I believe it was also His intent that after a sufficient amount of time, the married couple will have been able to find a deep and abiding love for one another without the need of a chemical crutch.

In a way, Dopamine acts like the training wheels on an infant's bike, but after a little practice and with subsequent maturity, the stability of those training wheels should no longer be needed and the married couple should be able to ride off into the sunset and live happily ever after.

Hope this helps and best wishes to all. - L.R.

diogenes 5 months ago

Ah! Romatic empassioned love! What a heady state and all too often, how destructive. In answer to the question posed by you article, yes, I'm sure every kind of relationship man can forge goes on with or without "love, whatever that really is once you take sex out of the equation. I am old now, but a little voice hardly heard and never aired (except here) wants to feel that hopeless passion again that I once had with Helen, my one and only great love.

Good article Missy, it asks the question many would like answered...Rx

Lone Ranger 5 months ago

Thank you for the kind words, Cindy, and I am glad that you found my post useful.

I wanted to give you something good after putting you through the proverbial ringer the other day. So, you may say that the above post is symbolic of a fragrant bouquet of flowers with "I'm sorry, Cindy, please forgive me" written on the card. :0)

I truly am sorry about the other day...it didn't go as planned, but I think having worked through that misunderstanding we are stronger as a result. I can already tell you that the experience has left me with a better understanding of who you are and an affection for you as a person. Thanks again and best wishes. - L.R.

Lone Ranger 5 months ago

Perhaps I should also mention that many people, especially women, tend to be "in love" with "being in love", and the object of their temporary obsession acts as the catalyst responsible for releasing the love drug into their blood stream which makes them feel so AMAZING.

In this regard, it is not the object of temporary obsession that this individual so craves, rather, it's the feeling they get from the chemical release they associate with their new flame.

The recipient of Dopamine does not think of it in those terms, but only knows that they love to be "in love" because it feels so good, but they assume the other party is responsible for their feelings, when, in fact, the other party may have little or nothing to do with it at all.

This is why one should allow a sufficient amount of time to pass before jumping in the sack with someone or rushing to the altar, because many people end up with "buyer's remorse" after the love drug fades-off into the sunset.

In a sense, these individuals have become addicted to the effects of Dopamine and could thusly be considered Dopamine "junkies". The down-side here is that the effects of Dopamine wears off through the passage of time, but the Dopamine junky still craves another "fix". So, if their current flame can no longer provide the "high" they are looking for, they will often seek a new "dealer" that can get them where they want to go.

I believe, Cindy, these particular individuals are the ones who tend to subscribe to the theory that a relationship just cannot work out if the couple, or one of the partners, is not "in love" with the other. And, this really is sad because these individuals are not likely to stay in a relationship long enough to appreciate and experience the benefits and virtues of mature love.

In America every 3 out of 5 marriges end in divorce and women file for divorce 75-91% of the time (depending on which studies you subcribe to). Moreover, only 10% of married couples claim to be "happily" married after 10 years.

Now, in America domestic and emotional abuse can only account for 11% of these divorces, so it is left to speculation what is responsible for the major majority of failed marriages.

I tend to think that the concept of romance, perpetual passion, and the fairy-tale courtship is found in many of the books mothers and fathers read to their little "princess" during her informative years. For many females, these fairy-tale relationships become the gold-standard and thus becomes what every little girl hopes for and dreams about...and expects to get!

It has been said that the two greatest elements that lead to unhappiness in life are unrealized and unrealistic expectations. At the end of the day, I think it is likely that these two elements are the main culprits behind most of the divorces in this country and are responsible for much of the dissatisfaction in one's life.

Better go for now, but will check back soon. Best wishes. - L.R.

sheraz afridi 4 months ago

Really great Arcticle, i learn much more from this Arcticle.

kellys19 4 months ago

I have been married for 25 years. Friendship and life circumstances brought my husband to me. I love him as a friend but married him and i have not been in love with him. I have never felt passion for and from him ( he says that i am love of his life), although our intimate life was good (we have 3 kids). I am very sexual and my husband does not understand this. The irony is he is a psychologist specializing in women psychology. our relationship is envy of our friends, but I have never been happy. I am considered very attractive and my husband is jealous. He uses emotional tactics to controll. When we are in public and a guy even looks at me it is my fault and he will be angry at me for that. Because of thAT we do not socialize, he separates me and our children from social life. If i have a business meeting he will not go but suggest that our son go with me. Two years ago I changed workplace and i met a guy 6 years younger than me. we fall in love to the point that we could light up the city. He tried but i never let him know how madly in love i was. I have never cheated and i never wanted to be the other woman (he is also married with kids). I was not looking for this it just happened. We had 1.5 year emotional, platonic relationship and non of us had the guts to verbalize to each other, but we both want to be together in different circumstances. he change workplace but it does not work, he still wants to know indirectly how i am. At first i thought it was lust but now i know i do love him and i am in love with him. I have never felt dis way, he is my soul mate and i cant be with him. I am in love for the first time at 46, i am connected to another human being (for 25 years my husband was trying to convince me that he cannot connect to me because of me, when in reality he was not connecting). I am depressed, i am lost, frustrated. At work I am called "power house" and nobody knows how this love affects me, but when I am home i am falling apart. My husband is very nonchalant, not affectionate ( i have no emotional support from him). he is happy when other people are miserable. I tried to give him hints, but he does not care. I look younger than my age and still have a life to live. I can solve many thing, but this. I have an advise to any man and woman: loveless relationship do not work, as spiecies we need love , affection and connection when we are with another being. I am very lonely and sensitive now. For 25 years i have been married single woman. i have no idea how to find a solution to this.

kellys19 4 months ago

Misty thank you, what i am going through is more silent controlling emotional abuse in doses. We have a good life except for this, but unfortunatelly starts to affect every aspect that used to worked somehow. My children are all teenagers and one adult and they are very upset about this, even my sister-in-law suggested divorce. I have to consider many options before making final decision.